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go_exchange2017-12-30 08:04 am
Happy Holidays, LadyLier!
Prompts: PAIRING/PLOT BUNNY/RATING CHOICE ONE: Good Omens meets Pacific Rim - all options all drifts.
PAIRING/PLOT BUNNY/RATING CHOICE THREE: Slow Dancing preferably Ineffable Husbands, could be other pairing, what about jazz era somewhere else (not England, not USA)
Summary: Good Omens and Pacific Rim clash when strange beings called Kaiju show up on Earth directed by the Precursors, one of God’s original creations that They discarded, or attempted to at any rate. Now, humanity has built giant robots called Jaegers to fight these monsters, a fight which Heaven and Hell has decided to join, along with the Antichrist and his posse. Things can’t get much worse.
Notes: By the end of this, I will not be surprised if I managed to ruin both fandoms, three if I’m counting religion as a fandom.
The author has allowed the mods to divide this fic into two posts.
Back when God first created the world, his angels saw Them Create life that looked like strange multi-legged, multi-eyed sticks with priests’ headdresses, although none of the angels knew what those were at the time. Then God moved out of Their Monster phase (as They’d referred to it) and had the firstborn angels, Michael and Lucifer, trash the entire project along with their world and decided to create Earth. No one was surprised that Michael and Lucifer ended up fighting each other more than completing their task of destroying the Precursor’s world. When the survivors somehow managed to find a way to connect their world with Earth and threatened the latest Creation, dinosaurs,1 God rolled Their eyes, pulled out another bottle of wine from Their pocket,2 told Gabriel to deal with the problem, and thought nothing more of it.
Gabriel solved the problem by throwing a meteor onto Earth, which got rid of the Precursors… and everything else on Earth. It was a good thing that God’s favorite Creation, Adam and Eve, were placed in the Garden of Eden at the time or God may have actually cried in despair. As it were, the Precursors were gone, banished back to their world which was then known as the Anteverse, the humans were tempted literally three days later and went down to Earth with a secret new flaming sword, but no umbrella to protect them from the inevitable rainstorm heading their way, and humanity started to flourish.
All was good. Temporarily, at any rate, and for only some beings.
1 Which God insisted weren’t monster-like in the slightest. They had moved on from Their monster-phase - kids, get with the picture.
2 Technically neither wine nor bottles had been invented yet, but as everyone knows, God transcends time because it is a social construct, much like gender and platypuses.
Heaven
Aziraphale: angel, Kaiju Researcher, and all time bookseller and tea fanatic - Drift compatible with Crowley
Michael: archangel of Heaven, wants to be the hero pilot but has no idea what’s going on, - Drift compatible with no one except Lucifer for ten seconds
Gabriel: archangel of Heaven who gives zero fucks. In it for the thrill and to laugh at everyone else - Drift compatible with no one and proud of it
Raphael: archangel of heaven and surprise medical officer of the Shatterdome - Drift compatible with everyone, but is terrified of the Jaegers
Metatron: Voice of God and Announcer of the Shatterdome - Drift Compatible with Himself and no one else
Hell
Crowley: Flash demon, Kaiju Researcher, botanist, and Determined to Be Cool - Drift compatible with Aziraphale
Lucifer: Prince of Darkness, Satan, Holder of many names, the Adversary, pissed off that the kaiju are doing his work for him, - Drift Compatible with Michael for ten seconds before he tries to murder him
Beezelbub: Duke of Hell who hangs around Famine and cooks all the food. Doesn’t mind the occasional fly that pops in the gravy. Drift Compatible with a swarm of bees which makes no sense
Humans (who actually get things done)
Adam: Still the antichrist, but older and cooler and less impulsive (not really). Pilot of the Jaeger THEM
Pepper: Human who also does weapon manufacturing and Takes No Shit from No One. Pilot of the Jaeger THEM
Brian: Human who works as the Assault specialist and Always Has Grand Ideas. Pilot of the Jaeger THEM
Wensleydale: Human who is the Conn-Pod-Control (CPC) officer and the most organized of the lot. Pilot of the Jaeger THEM
Marshall: The Marshall. No one knows his real name or how he got the position. He just showed up and started running things
Kraken: Honorable Mention
Anteverse
Precursor: God’s early creations that he scrapped due to a lack of interest. For thousands of years, they’ve thought of nothing but revenge on the humans that God abandoned them for. Strangely good at engineering although where they picked up the skills is a mystery even to themselves.
Kaiju: Giant bioengineered monsters created by the Precursors in an attempt to mimic their hated Creator and to destroy their enemies and conquer their world.
It was the year 2013 and nothing was good. Although considering the world was supposed to have ended less than a year ago, perhaps Earth was only continuing to turn on borrowed time. Armageddon was prophesied to happen with fire, but giant lizards that could destroy cities with barely any effort were also a good way to go. Or a bad way to go, depending on how one looked at it and what one’s political views were. For Anthony J. Crowley, a demon of the High Lord Satan of Hell and etc, he was of the opinion that everything sucked and the world was a terrible place to be.
“How did ‘influence the humans to get a weapon strong enough to fight the Precursor army coming to kill them’ turn into -”
“Turn into let’s create giant metal robots with weapons to fight them for us?” Two men like beings sat across from each other at a table in a park. Both were dark skinned, although one had jet-black hair that was artfully mussed to make it seem cool and the other had curly blondish-red hair.
“I’ve told you for centuries that humans are inventive, right? Barely said “hey chaps, let’s do something about these giant monsters coming out of the ocean that destroyed Ghirardelli Square”3 and they were all “Robots, brilliant!”” The black-haired one sighed. “Could have gone for a cannon or a plague or something easy, but no, they wanted giant machines.”
“It’s from all that telly nonsense, you know,” his companion complained, “all those pixels fighting each other for entertainment and such.” The companion’s name was Aziraphale and he - for all intents and purposes appeared male, just like a disproportionate amount of people in this story - was an angel of the Lord on High, His Holiness, Absentee Creator, etc, who had been living on Earth watching the humans for over six thousand years. In that time of growing technology and the rise of the digital age, Aziraphale had made sure to be at the very least fifty years behind the latest trend, because no self-respecting angel would be Hip With the Times; it sounded positively demonic.4
“Oh please,” Crowley scoffed, “humans had been massively creative about destruction even before the telly was invented. And anyways,” Crowley continued after throwing an entire loaf of bread at a wandering duck, “none of this would have been a problem if Michael had just done his job and smited all of them back to the Anteworld.”
“Er, well. Michael does tend to be a bit overdramatic and you know he has that attention span problem…” It was almost too embarrassing to think about. Michael, General of the Heavenly Host, had come down to Earth right after San Francisco had been destroyed to defeat the Kaiju. He’d been doing well too, until he’d seen some chocolate in the remains of the city and then was distracted enough to be used as a volleyball by the Kaiju and spiked straight through the city of Portland where he was then distracted by Voodoo Donuts5. He was still recovering from his wounds and Raphael - the ever suffering healer- was of course ever suffering trying to heal him. Of course, that was just the word on the grapevine. Aziraphale tended to avoid Heaven to an almost unhealthy degree, same as his demon counterpart avoided Hell.
“And about Lucifer? He could have helped.” Aziraphale pointed out, rescuing the duck from trying to eat an entire loaf of bread on its own.
“This is Lucifer,” Crowley shrugged, “he took one look at Michael being thrown and collapsed into laughter. Nearly caused another tsunami with how hard he landed in the ocean. Beezlebub had to carry him back to hell.”
“I don’t know if that’s more embarrassing than being tossed between giant monsters or not.”
“I’m practicing this great technique of not asking so no one talks to me and then discorporates me. It’s been working really well.” Needless to say, if one has read the previous installment of the Most Interesting Week in the Life of an Angel and Demon, they would know that Crowley is on Hell’s Absolute Shit List, which is a list of those poor sods who piss off Lucifer and somehow lived to tell the tale. The only other named being on that list, apart from the generic “all angelic beings and all humanoid beings”, is Michael. Crowley feels a small sense of pride whenever he sees a copy of that list. The pride is usually then drowned by terror.
“Then how did you know about Lucifer falling into ocean laughing?” Aziraphale asked.
“Oi, just because I can’t go to hell without running for my life doesn’t mean that other demons don’t talk to me.” With a glare, the duck that had just learned its lesson of not chewing more than it could swallow, found itself trying to eat an even bigger piece of bread. Aziraphale promptly saved the bird by shooing the rest of the ducks to swarm it. “Dagon still likes to call, and after the usual threats of death and suffering, he’ll tell me the latest gossip.”
“Oh,” Aziraphale looked to be in deep thought, but was instead watching the duck out of the corner of his eye. “Well, I suppose that makes sense.”
“It really doesn’t, but that’s normal.” Crowley stood, cracking his neck and spine in one fluid motion to see the angel squirm. “Come on, I’m bored.”
They walked a good length of the park before Crowley started talking again.
“You know what’s not normal, why doesn’t Gabriel just meteor the planet like he did the last time the Precursors came to earth?”
“Er, I suppose it’s because Father is still rather miffed about the last meteor incident and has still banned all usage.”
“Seriously? It’s been ages. They’re still on about that?”
“They’re still drinking from that incident.”
“Oh my Someone, and people call Lucifer dramatic.”
3 As most people know, Ghirardelli Square is a popular tourist destination in the former city of San Francisco in the United States. During the Kaiju attack, it had been definitely targeted with utmost prejudice because everyone knows chocolate is the best invention of all time and the Precursors were jealous they never got any.
4 Technically, it was demonic. Crowley invented the phrase to try and have Aziraphale remember that Hip-Hop was not called Bebop, but as many things Crowley tried to help, it was ineffective.
5 Chocolate flavor of course. Chocolate is both the best invention and the greatest weakness of every angelic creature. Even God has no defense.
It’s been seven years since Heaven and Hell attempted the apocalypse with the antichrist and five years since the start of the apocalypse Heaven and Hell didn’t sanction. Adam Young, resident antichrist and all around swell 18 year old boy, was excited. He was finally old enough to be piloting one of the Jaegers, robot titans made to fight the kaiju that were still laying waste to earth.
With the powers granted to him by his father Satan, the Lord of Hell, also known as Lucifer, the Morningstar, etc6, Adam could have gone sooner and made the Jaeger program accept him and his friends, but his father wanted him to finish secondary school before pursuing a military career. It was only proper.
There were many times when Adam feared the Jaeger program would shut down before he’d gotten a chance to pilot, but humanity has always been drawn to making the same mistakes until something miraculously works. The Jaeger program was no exception.
Over the years, the Jaegers had managed to fight off some of the kaiju attacking the human cities, usually at the cost of the human city they were protecting. But the administrative management in Kansas, United States, didn’t see this as a problem seeing as how they had yet to be impacted by these ocean sea creatures and continued to fund the program.
But Adam was not aware of any of the little business hacks and was simply thrilled about being able to move a giant robot.
“Aw, man! This is going to be brilliant!” Adam’s friend Brian was as excited to pilot as Adam was himself. “It’s going to be like the Gundam mechas or like the Evangelion mechas, or like Voltron! We’ve got to be able to form Voltron.”
“Are you sure we should be doing this?” Wensleydale, Adam’s other friend, had his reservations about fighting giant monsters with giant teeth and giant claws but was too loyal to Adam7 to say no.
“Of course we should! We’re going to be kicking some kaiju arse!” Pepper, Adam’s other other friend in his group of four, had worried many adults with her love of fighting and destroying things. But Adam wasn’t worried and that’s all that mattered in their group of friends.
The four of Them - the name had stuck - had arrived in Hong Kong by plane only a few hours ago and were now waiting to be let inside the Shatterdome to become pilots. All other Shatterdomes had been closed down except for this one, which Adam was glad for; he’d always wanted to see China.8
“We’re probably not going to be able to pilot right away, Pepper.” Wensleydale pushed his glasses up his nose, a sign that he was trying to be logical in his group of highly illogical friends. “We’ve only just arrived and we’re not even trained.”
“Pish posh!” Pepper declared. It was her new favorite phase for the sole reason that it irritated her mother.
“Pish posh is right!” A new voice boomed from the doors as they opened. A tall figure stepped from the hallway, shadows dancing across their face so it couldn’t be properly viewed. “You four look ready to hop in a Jaeger right now and blast some of those nasty beasts away.”
“Course we are.” Pepper squinted at the person. “What’s with that face of yours?”
“Who are you?” Adam asked politely, because one should be polite to random strangers who don’t show their faces.
“I’m The Marshall,” said The Marshall, ignoring Pepper entirely. “I run things around here, so if you lot want to pilot a Jaeger, I say you pilot a Jaeger.” The Marshall turned around and beckoned with his finger for the Them to follow him.
“Is anyone else a bit concerned that The Marshall isn’t actually a name?” Wensleydale muttered to no one as they followed him inside the Shatterdome.
“Nope!” Brian said brightly, flicking a hand back to pat his fellow Adam’s friend on the back.
Inside the Shatterdome was complete chaos. People ran back and forth with papers, boxes, devices, and with one small lady, a giant greatsword that had Pepper salivating to use. It took the combined strength of the rest of the Them to keep Pepper from tackling the woman and stealing the sword.
The Marshall led the Them around the base, showing them the dining hall, the mess hall,9 the training hall, the bath hall, the bar hall (which the Them were forbidden from entering because Adam’s father would be very cross indeed to find Adam drinking while on the job. The Them took this in stride, because Mr. Young would be very cross indeed. Only Wensleydale was slightly worried at how this mysterious Marshall knew Adam’s dad, but that worry was quickly forgotten.)
When The Marshall showed the Them the room they would be sharing, the tour was interrupted by a shout from someone across the hall, who was waving his arms excitedly. Brian and Pepper both mutually decided that this man was more like a flapping chicken than a human.
“Hey! Hey! If it isn’t Adam and Co.! Man, your dad is going to be so excited that you’re here.” Before the Them could react, he was in front of them, poking their heads with his finger.
“My dad is aware I’m here,” Adam pointed out, “he’s the one who bought the plane ticket.”
“Not that dad, silly. Your actual dad. Maybe. I don’t actually know the mechanics of how he did it. Wait, I don’t want to know the mechanics of how he did it. Raphael would know, you should ask Raphael.”
“Oh, you mean Adam’s Dramatic Sperm Donor.” Pepper rolled her eyes. “If he never bothered to send presents, then he’s no dad of Adam’s.”
“I think he’s the one who sent the hellhound.”
“Well, there wasn’t a name tag on it, so who knows if you’re even telling the truth.” Brian jutted in. Adam smiled at his friends in appreciation.
“Michael,” The Marshall sighed, “please stop being a nuisance and find something to do.”
Michael pouted, something that didn’t really match his giant stature. “But Luci keeps chucking things at my head.”
“Then learn to dodge better,” The Marshall said patiently and turned to the Them as Michael skipped away. “Right, just one more place to show you and then you’re free to explore the authorized areas. Tomorrow morning, I’ll put you in one of the Jaegers.”
They all cheered. Even Wensleydale, although his was more of a half-hearted harrumph.
The Marshall took the Them to a door labeled simply as Research and knocked.
“Who is it?” A rather British - the most British the Them had ever heard and they lived in Britain - voice came through the door. “If you’re here for any books, I’m rather afraid to inform you that we’re fresh out. So sorry.”
“Angel, who is even going to buy books here? We know everyone on this base.” A random voice followed the first one.
“It’s The Marshall,” The Marshall said gleefully. “Are you two decent?” The door exploded outward, Adam pulled Brian to the side before he managed to get hit, and in the doorway stood the poshest librarian in a lab coat known to ever walk the earth.
Aziraphale had never been a librarian - he would miss the books too much - but he was in a lab coat and miracled all of his clothing from the Book Lovers Hottest Trends magazine that Crowley would give him each Christmas, so it could be excused that people tended to think of Aziraphale as a librarian.
“Decent! Of course we’re decent you magnanimous bastard!” Aziraphale looked positively peeved and everyone unknowingly took a large step backwards. “How dare you insinuate…. oh, hello Adam, how are you doing?”
“Hello, Mr. Aziraphale,” Adam waved, as did the rest of the Them. Lower Tadfield had a rather large influx of guests driving in and out of the city limits, including a demon and angel in a 1926 Bentley who came to visit. Aziraphale came primarily to see Anathema Device, a psychic from her mother’s side of the family, who loved books as much as he did. Crowley just seemed to follow Aziraphale around; it was rather adorable although Adam had never told him that to his face. “How do you do?”
“Very well, thank you.” Aziraphale said and then turned to yell at The Marshall some more. The Them took the opportunity to step into the research portion of the base.
There was a slain Kaiju on a table in the middle of the floor, but what really got the Them’s attention was the large quantity of beautiful, flourishing plants that took up most of the floor.
“Is it safe for the plants to be near a Kaiju corpse?” Brian wondered aloud.
“If it’s not, the plants know better than to complain.” From behind a table near the back of the research lab, another person wearing a lab coat stood. “Oh, it’s you lot. Finally convinced your old man that you could fight the giant monsters?”
“Hello, Mr. Crowley,” they all chimed.
“I hope you’re talking about Adam’s real dad and not that supernaturally megalomaniac poser,” Pepper added, her eyes narrowing.
Crowley snickered. “Course I’m talking about your London dad. Your Hell dad wouldn’t care.” Crowley had also met Adam’s London father, Mr. Young, and was rather fond of the man for the pure reason that he had very good taste in drinks.
“Is the hell dad here since you and Mr. Aziraphale are here?” Wensleydale asked.
“Kid, the whole of Heaven and Hell are in this facility,” Crowley scoffed, looking a tad nervous. “I’ve mostly been in this room- not hiding, mind, you! - with the angel.”
“If both angels and demons are fighting against the Kaiju, then why haven’t they been destroyed yet?” Pepper scrunched up her nose in distaste. “I thought you lot were supposed to be powerful; annihilating cities with a pinky finger and such.”
“That’s because,” Aziraphale said from behind them, walking into the room, “Michael and Lucifer would enjoy eradicating the enemy in giant robots rather than make everyone’s life easier and simply be done with the matter.”
“Fighting in robots is rather wicked,” Adam nodded sagely. The rest of the Them also nodded. Fighting in robots was brilliant. Everyone knew that.10
6 In order to match Them in all ways, Lucifer had also given himself numerous titles which the author has refused to include because of time constraints.
7 Many times, Wensleydale questioned his sanity for sticking around with Adam and Friends and then promptly remembered he had no sanity left, just logical thinking.
8 As everyone who has a map knows, Hong Kong isn’t a part of mainland China and therefore has no direct access to all the touristy sites Adam wanted to see.
9 To no one’s surprise, the mess hall was very messy.
10 Everyone except for Aziraphale, who could be heard muttering “damn Telly” under his breath for the rest of the day. Crowley wisely stayed busy with his plants, pretending he had suddenly ruptured an eardrum and couldn’t hear a single thing.
Next: Part 2!
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(Anonymous) 2018-01-06 08:25 am (UTC)(link)The dramatis personae is brilliant!
"Needless to say, if one has read the previous installment of the Most Interesting Week in the Life of an Angel and Demon, they would know that Crowley is on Hell’s Absolute Shit List, which is a list of those poor sods who piss off Lucifer and somehow lived to tell the tale." Excellent! I love the tone of your story.
"Adam’s Dramatic Sperm Donor.” I laughed.
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"Drift Compatible with a swarm of bees which makes no sense " Makes sense to me lol
"he had no sanity left, just logical thinking." HA
This has so much great sarcasm in it. There are honestly just too many funny snarky lines for me to quote them all XD