Happy Holidays, maniacalmole!

[goe_mod]

Title: Best Laid Plans
Recipient: maniacalmole
Rating: T
Pairings: Aziraphale/Crowley
Summary: Aziraphale and Crowley decide to take a holiday together. Things don't go quite as planned.


“I know just what you need, love,” Madame Tracy said sagely as she poured tea. She added milk to her cup, and none to Aziraphale’s. “You ought to take your Mr. Crowley on a nice holiday.”

Aziraphale sipped his tea. He thought about the suggestion for a moment. “A holiday? Do you really think so?”

“Of course! That’s just the thing for two people who want to get even closer to each other.”

The door to the bungalow slammed shut, and Sergeant Shadwell stomped into the room. He paused for a moment, eyeing Aziraphale suspiciously. Aziraphale smiled at him.

“Er, I’ve loaded our luggage into the cab, lass,” Shadwell said, not taking his eyes off Aziraphale. “Are ye almost ready t’ depart for our wee journey into parts unknown?”

“Almost ready, Mr. Shadwell,” Madame Tracy said cheerfully. “Would you like to have a cup of tea too, love?”

“Ach, no. Nooo.” Eyes still on Aziraphale, Shadwell edged further away. “I’ll be out wi’ the cab. Fortifying myself t’ do battle with whate’er evils we encounter on the road.”

Aziraphale watched his retreat. It seemed that even a year or so since that day at the airbase, the poor fellow was still a bit unsettled by the actual existence of supernatural entities. Aziraphale couldn’t entirely blame him. Humans tended to struggle with that concept.

“Journey into parts unknown, hmm?” Aziraphale asked Madame Tracy. She nodded. “Where are you two going on holiday?”

“We’re just taking a little trip to Brighton,” she said. “I thought it’d be nice to try to get my Mr. Shadwell into the sunlight for a bit.”

“That’s a lovely idea. I visited Brighton last century when it became a popular destination for sea bathing, you know. Do enjoy your holiday, and thank him for these.” Aziraphale fondly patted the three books on the table, which he had just purchased. They were very rare volumes from the seventeenth century, artifacts passed down through the Witchfinder Army. “I had intended to thank him again myself, but he seems a bit skittish now that he knows what I am.”

“Oh, he still tends to be rather skittish. I’m hoping our own holiday will get him to relax a bit.” Madame Tracy studied Aziraphale. “Are you hoping to get your young man to relax too?”

“Well, Crowley did always work quite hard,” Aziraphale said, thinking of all the effort he’d put into the M25. And even though they were retired now, Crowley tended to stay quite busy. “I think it’ll be fun for us to simply spend some nice, peaceful time together.”

---

Crowley hadn’t been totally sure what to think of Aziraphale’s plan to take a holiday together. Technically, there was nothing stopping them. They were firmly retired now, ignored by their old Sides ever since the failed Apocalypse. Didn’t need to worry about being seen in each other’s company.

But traveling like this wasn’t what they did. Bumping into each other in one city or another could be explained away with plausible deniability. Traveling together, less so. And since the Arrangement, they’d split up jobs, usually heading to different cities, and saved everyone a lot of time and travel expenses.

Right now, looking at Aziraphale’s increasingly offended expression, Crowley was even less sure about this plan. “Aziraphale.”

“Hmm?”

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“Well, I think that these aeroplanes are a rather unnatural form of travel, for one thing,” Aziraphale said with a nervous glance around. “I don’t see why we had to fly.”

Crowley stared at him. “You know we have wings, right?”

“Flying with wings is rather different than flying in a metal tube.”

“The plane’s got wings.”

Aziraphale glared at him, then went back to glaring at his airline food. “This is the worst meal I’ve ever seen in my life, Crowley. I can’t believe you convinced me to take a route of travel that means I can’t have lunch at a restaurant.”

“Hey. Hey. You’re the one who didn’t wanna take a road trip in my Bentley, aren’t you?” Crowley said, guiltily. He decided not to point out that he was the one who’d thought up subpar airline meals in the first place. They generated loads of frustration, which traveling humans then took out on each other. “Why are we going to Prague, anyway? What’s in Prague?”

“Lots of things! And I liked it quite a lot last time I was there. It’s very pretty. And I’ve heard that it’s quite a cultural hub now, and travel there has gotten much easier this decade.”

“Right. Right.” Crowley thought for a moment. “When was the last time you were in Prague?”

“Um. It was in Bohemia then.” Aziraphale looked briefly embarrassed. “Sometime before the Black Death. I think they were just finishing construction on St. Vitus Cathedral.”

“Gosh.”

“It’s not my fault that Heaven decided that they disliked reimbursing travel expenses and headquartered me in London,” Aziraphale said testily. “And then I was too busy to travel, especially after the mid fifteenth century.”

Crowley snorted. The invention of the printing press had definitely given Aziraphale loads more ways to “keep busy”. For a while, he’d tried to read every book ever printed. Even an angel who never slept couldn’t keep up with that for long.

“Well, when was the last time you were in Prague?” Aziraphale asked.

“Er.” Crowley had mostly been working in Britain too, although he traveled more than Aziraphale did. “Nnnh, I dunno. Sometime around the Industrial Revolution, wasn’t it?”

“There, you see?”

“See what?”

“Prague’s a perfect destination! Neither of us had been there for quite some time. I’m sure it’s changed an awful lot.” Aziraphale poked at his food, apparently changed his mind about even trying it, and put his fork down. “At any rate. Since we’re flying directly there, we’ll be able to eat at some nice famous restaurant or something. And I’ve heard they have excellent beer, which I’m sure you’ll be delighted about.”

Crowley was delighted about that for about two seconds before the pilot announced over the intercom that the flight had been rerouted from Prague to the Karlovy Vary Airport. Crowley had no idea where that was, and could only hope that it was in the right country. And that maybe, if they were lucky, this was the only thing that would go wrong on this trip.

---

“What do you mean, you’ve lost our luggage?” Aziraphale demanded.

“He means they’ve lost our luggage,” Crowley muttered from beside him.

“Well, fix it! I need my things. I only have eight books in my carrying-on bag, and that won’t do at all. I’ll be out of reading material in an hour.” Aziraphale waved a vague hand at Crowley. “I’m sure you can handle it. You’re good at fixing things.”

“Yeah. Yeah.” For a moment, Crowley just stood there. Then he slouched into a slightly different position that looked as if it was an attempt to impersonate James Bond, and gave the person behind the counter a charming smile. “Hi, can you please find our luggage right now?”

It turned out that the person behind the counter could not find their luggage, not even when Crowley tried bribery. He and Aziraphale simply stood there for a while, both rather lost.

“Okay. Okay,” Crowley finally said. “How about this? We can just buy new stuff for now.”

“But I don’t want new ‘stuff’. I want my luggage.”

“Well, you also want a meal, right?” Scooping up their carrying-on bags, Crowley marched confidently through the airport. Aziraphale followed. “We can go grab lunch, right? And then we’ll get new stuff.”

Aziraphale frowned, conflicted. He wanted lunch, yes, but… “And what about my luggage?”

“Hn.” Suddenly looking rather confused, Crowley stopped and stared at the terminal they’d just come from. He turned around and marched in the opposite direction, just as confidently. “For my money, it’s probably in Prague. Or heading to Prague. You know, since that’s the place we were supposed to be heading. Makes sense.”

Aziraphale wasn’t entirely certain that it made sense at all. This whole business of flying to places was awfully miserable. “I must say, I rather miss the days when one simply rode a horse from one city to another.”

“Really? Really?” Crowley gave him a horrified look. “D’ya know how many times I fell off those blessed horses?”

“I suppose it was rather a lot. But at least it was harder to lose one’s luggage.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Crowley said grimly. “D’ya know how many times a blessed horse ran off with my bags?”

Thankfully, they found the exit, and so left horses in the past. It took a bit more time to escape the airport entirely via bus and find a nice restaurant, but eventually they were sitting down in a lovely cafe. Aziraphale gazed out the window, drinking in the colorful buildings and lush green trees.

Lunch, at least, did not go horribly. True, it was past the peak of lunch hours in the restaurant, and they only had enough food left for Aziraphale.

Crowley didn’t eat as often anyway. He demurred on this occasion with the comment that he liked to “crash out” after eating a big meal, whatever that meant, and that he needed to drive.

“Wouldn’t you rather take the train?” Aziraphale asked between spoonfuls of lovely hot soup. “I’m sure they must have a train.”

Crowley made a face. “Nnnh, I like being in control of my ride.”

“I see now why you didn’t get along with horses.”

“Yeah.”

Aziraphale ate his soup, and then a course of beef and dumplings with dill sauce. Finally, he sampled some of every dessert that was available at the cafe. Crowley joined him for dessert, at least.

“Right. Right. We’ve gotta figure out how to rent a car after we pay for lunch, I guess,” Crowley said, pulling banknotes from his pocket. “How much?”

The waiter looked at the banknotes in confusion. “We do not take British pounds, sir.”

“Oh. Gosh.” Crowley cleared his throat, then gestured. His money promptly turned itself into the local currency. “Okay. How much?”

Aziraphale couldn’t help smiling at the baffled expression on the waiter’s face. Humans tended to explain such things away to themselves, thankfully. “Thank you, Crowley. Lunch was awfully good.”

“Terrific.” Crowley grinned in response before finishing his wine. “Shall we head to Prague, then?”

“We shall,” Aziraphale agreed, rather excited. And on the way out of the cafe, he took Crowley’s hand.

---

“Something’s wrong.” And not just because Crowley was having to drive on the right side of the road, which was incredibly unsettling. “It was supposed to be under two hours to Prague, wasn’t it? We’ve been driving for an hour and a half.”

“Um.” Aziraphale gave him a sidelong look. “I don’t think your numbers quite add up there, my dear. That’s still under the projected time.”

“Nonono. No, it’s not. Not at the speeds I drive, even in this ridiculous car.” Crowley turned down the music so he could see better, then examined the road signs, and then the extremely narrow, extremely not-a-motorway road that Aziraphale had told him to take. “Something’s wrong, right? We’re lost, right?”

“How could we be lost?” Aziraphale held up a map. “We have a map. And I have lots of experience with maps.”

They did have a map, which made this make even less sense. They really shouldn’t be lost. But they also shouldn’t be on a road this narrow.

They drove a while longer. Crowley missed the Bentley. This rental car just wasn’t the same. It was too modern. Didn’t have any character. The Bentley had been well aged, like fine whisky.

It was a relief to have music other than Queen, though, since Crowley had just bought the tapes, but he couldn’t turn up the concerto as loud as he’d like. He needed to be able to hear Aziraphale’s directions.

Not that Aziraphale’s directions were actually getting them anywhere, other than more lost.

Finally, while they were on a lonely one lane stretch of road flanked by spindly trees and with an even more spindly river to one side, Crowley slammed on the brakes and stopped. “Okay. Okay. Something’s not right. Are you trying to stop me from getting to Prague or something?”

Aziraphale gave him a baffled look. “Why would I stop you from going to Prague? It was my idea in the first place!”

“Maybe you’re trying to thwart me from doing my job and causing mischief.”

“You don’t have a job.”

“Neither do you. There’s something wrong with your map-reading skills, okay?” Crowley glared and snatched the map. He stared at it. “Aziraphale.”

Aziraphale folded his hands together and gazed out the window, as if trying to appreciate the desolate stretch of landscape. “Yes, Crowley?”

“Why the Heaven is this map upside down?”

“Well, you’re the one who just took it from me! You must have turned it over.”

“No. No. I did not.” Crowley mimed taking it from him again, moving slowly enough that it was evident he hadn’t turned it over. “You’ve been giving me directions for hours with an upside down map? Really? Why didn’t you tell me you couldn’t read maps?”

Aziraphale blushed. “Um. I can read maps. I’m just a little out of practice, that’s all.”

A suspicion wandered through Crowley’s mind. “When was the last time you had to read a map? You didn’t do it when we were trying to get to Tadfield. I know. I did the map then.”

“Yes, and you had to ask for directions from the young woman you hit,” Aziraphale muttered.

“That’s beside the point. Come on. Come on. When’s the last time you read a map?” Crowley paused, considered Aziraphale’s pedantic nature, and then added, “Not counting today.”

“Oh. Um. Well, I-I suppose it was…”

“Sometime before the Black Death?”

“Well, I—”

“Sometime before we even formed the Arrangement, was it? Was that when you developed your experience with maps?”

Aziraphale glared at him. “Well, if you really must know, I had a bit of a stint in actually making maps. It was quite common in monasteries. I painted the angels on some of them and everything.”

Groaning, Crowley pushed up his dark glasses and covered his eyes with one hand. For a moment, he wondered whether he should be pissed off. Aziraphale had gotten them stranded in the middle of nowhere, after all. They should be comfortably settled in Prague right now, having a drink and watching ducks on the river or something.

He lowered his hand, and looked at Aziraphale’s sheepish expression. The flames of anger flickered out, and Crowley chuckled. “Right. Right. Okay. Well, as long as we’re here, you wanna go see if there’s any ducks on that little river?”

For a moment, Aziraphale looked at him like he’d just proposed that they should whip out their wings and fly to Prague. Then he looked outside again, and his expression brightened at the sight of the tiny, pathetic little river in the middle of nowhere. “Oh! Oh yes, I’d like that very much. I suppose there are some benefits to getting lost after all, hmm?”

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Yep. I’m sure you did it on purpose. Come on, angel.”

They got out of the car together, and strolled hand in hand down to the tiny river. To Crowley’s great surprise, there actually were loads of ducks floating downstream, happily quacking and splashing in the water. It was practically a duck holiday resort.

“There, you see?” Aziraphale said with a totally unjustified amount of smugness. “Sometimes, it’s nice to take a little detour.”

“Yeah, yeah. Make my day.” Gesturing, Crowley miracled up some snacks for the ducks. He hesitated, then went ahead and said the unbearably sappy comment that came to mind. “You do make my day, you know. Even when you get me lost in the middle of bloody nowhere.”

“Oh…” Beaming, Aziraphale slipped an arm around his waist and kissed him on the cheek. “I love you an awful lot. Now, give me some of those goodies for the ducks. I want to feed them.”

Crowley sighed and passed over the miracled snacks. “Love you too.”

---

It was night by the time Aziraphale and Crowley finally arrived at Prague. Reflected light sparkled on the surface of the river as they neared a bridge. Indeed, light was absolutely everywhere.

“It’s so modern,” Aziraphale said, rather startled. “Goodness, Crowley, there’s so many lights!”

Crowley gave him a sidelong look. He hadn’t taken his dark glasses off despite nightfall. “Of course there’s lights. We’re not in the fourteenth century anymore. And thank Somebody for that.”

“No, I-I know. I just…” Breathless, Aziraphale looked around. Spires rose above the city, so many of them already visible. “I just didn’t expect it to be so beautiful! Oh, Crowley, the lights are simply stunning. I’m so very glad we got lost.”

That drew a snort, but Crowley didn’t protest. “So. You ready for dinner?”

“Oh. Um.” Aziraphale always liked dinner, and he was rather hungry. And yet… “Couldn’t we drive around for a bit first?”

“Yeah. Yeah, we can do that.”

For a while, they simply drove around the city. Crowley muttered inappropriate language at the rental car on occasion—he’d been doing that all day—but that soundtrack didn’t detract from Aziraphale’s excitement. They saw all sorts of beautiful squares and buildings and even a castle. Many of the buildings hadn’t even been constructed yet on Aziraphale’s last visit here.

“I am awfully excited to see this tomorrow during the day,” Aziraphale said, leaning to get a better look at a quite fascinating tower. It had a spire, naturally. “But I really am glad we got here at night. It’s beautiful.”

“I’m glad you’re glad.” Crowley took his hand and squeezed, letting the car take care of shifting gears or whatever Crowley had been doing prior to turning control over to the car. “It is pretty terrific. And s’ not like we’ve gotta rush back to London, yeah? We can hang out here for as long as we like. Or go tour more of Europe. Or whatever.”

“Ooh. That would be fun.” But although it would be fun, Aziraphale sighed. “I suppose we also have to discover where lost luggage goes. I do need my things, Crowley.”

“Right. Right. I was thinking about that.” When they stopped at a traffic light, Crowley flashed him a grin and flicked a hand. “No more lost luggage. Take a look in the back seat.”

“Oh!” Startled, Aziraphale stared at the backseat, where all of their luggage had just miraculously appeared. “Why didn’t you do that sooner?”

“Didn’t think of it sooner, did I?” Crowley muttered.

“Well, thank you. That’s quite a relief.” Aziraphale had rather forgotten that miracles were a reasonable way to solve problems. He would have to try to remember it for future travel mishaps. There would likely be plenty more, given how this day had gone. “What shall we do after dinner?”

“Get a hotel. Try to get some sleep.”

“What?”

“I said, try to get some sleep.”

“I know, I’m just rather confused.” Aziraphale stared at him. “Didn’t you just sleep before the world almost ended?”

Crowley gave him an incredulous look. “Yeah. Yeah. A year ago.”

“Exactly. I don’t understand why you would need to sleep again so soon.”

Snorting, Crowley turned into a hotel car park. It looked like an awfully fancy hotel. “I sleep more often than that, Aziraphale. I like sleep.”

Aziraphale gave him a horrified look. “You don’t sleep every night, do you?”

“How can you ask me that, after how many nights I spend at the bookshop with you?” Crowley gave him a grin. “And no, not every night. Few times a week, usually. You could join me. Sleeping’s fun.”

“I suppose I could,” Aziraphale said doubtfully. He’d never tried sleeping before, but admittedly, the idea of snuggling up with Crowley in bed was more than a little tempting. “Crowley?”

Crowley was already out of the car, and removing their luggage from it via miracle. When the suitcases were all neatly stacked, he flicked a hand, and they levitated onto a nearby cart of some sort. “Yep?”

“Is it a good idea to just pick a hotel at random, without booking? What if they don’t have room?”

“Nah, they’ve got room,” Crowley said confidently, and offered his hand to Aziraphale. “Besides, if they haven’t, a quick miracle can fix that.”

Aziraphale wasn’t entirely certain what he meant by that. But then again, Crowley never bothered to book at the Ritz, and it always worked out perfectly fine. One way or another, Crowley would ensure that they had somewhere to stay.

So, smiling, Aziraphale took Crowley’s hand and accompanied him into the hotel while the luggage cart miraculously followed. They had no real plan for the rest of their holiday, but that was all right. Their plans so far had gone rather awry, after all. But no matter what happened next, they were together, and as such would have an awful lot of fun.