Happy Holidays, meganbobness!
Dec. 21st, 2018 05:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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go_exchangeYour Secret Author used your prompt to create this gift especially for you!
Rating: G
Characters: Anathema and Newt, Mr and Mrs Young, the Them, Aziraphale and Crowley
Fear and self-confusion in Ikea
They lurk, they lurk in the night, they lurk in the light, they lurk in strategic maze-like layouts and carefully “lived-in” home exhibits; their labels screeching “ageibsobabdo, 800 sq ft”.
An rather wrinkled shopping list was juggled from one hand to the other as one of the couple clumsily took off his jacket, necessitating the adjustment of bags, glasses, and a surprising amount of layers. “I’m just saying-,” Newt coughed, throwing his jacket onto his arm and pushing up his glasses, ignoring an impatient sigh from Anathema, ”-I’m just saying...well we could’ve just taken my nan’s furniture.”
Anathema shook her head, examining the tag on an office chair. ”And take the nap spots away from her 30 cats?”
“Twenty-eight! 28 cats!” he countered, comparing the Ikea map to the increasing-creased list.1 “We’ve got the linens… and now we’re looking at office stuff for you…”
“Then cookware and new kitchen tools for you, don't worry,” Anathema smiled, jotting down a few more numbers. “I didn’t forget.” Her stomach rumbled. “Maybe after lunch.”
_____
Deidre had been reading magazines again, quite a few actually, on interior design. To the surprise of Mr Young, and the excitement of Adam Young (Retired Antichrist), she decided they should have the joyous sharing experience of an Ikea shopping trip. She’d already found quite a few things, including some that were not originally on her list. The issue remained however, about what was now missing - their child and his friends.
In the children’s section, an opposing set of grandiose pillow forts had been erected. ‘How’ would remain a mystery, along with the answers to ‘where’d those kids get those toy guns from? Where are their parents?’ Adam (Retired Antichrist), current reigning prince of the Eastern Pillow Fort, pointed his scepter2 toward the enemy’s side.
“Fire! Take no prisoners!”
“We’re out of bullets, captain!” Brian said, rubbing his nose. “And snot! What will we do now?!”
“Surrender and perish!” screamed Pepper, vaulting over their bunk bed defences and pushing Adam off his throne. “The king is dead! Long live the king!”
“You can’t be a king, you’re a girl!” piped the dethroned prince.
“And you promised I’d be your second-in-command, and we’d form a democracy!” Wensleydale followed.
Pepper smiled, triumphant, crown3 now on her head. “Well I like the sound of being a king. Also, I lied.”
Wensleydale glared, or at least tried to; Adam and Brian joining him. “Well, I’m going to overthrow you! Then you’ll be in trouble!”
“You’re all in trouble! What the devil is happening here?” Mr and Mrs Young appeared behind them, arms as crossed as they were.
The kids gulped, knees bent ready to run, eyes meeting each others’ simultaneously. “Truce?”
”Truce!“
_____
Aziraphale glanced around the busy bistro, spotting his partner in laziness bringing tea and a gratuitously decorated hot chocolate to the small table. “What brings us here, then? Through the cold winter weather, via crowded buses, and most importantly, out of my bookshop,” he huffed, cheeks puffed under his scarf.
Crowley sighed, shaking his head. “You know I couldn’t give you a lift! I had a… meeting… with my ‘colleagues.’” He tiredly pushed the last word out. ”Targets this, reach more people that, blah blah bla-“
“So what does this have to do with me, and not being surrounded by book-insulated warmth?” Looking at his partner, Aziraphale picked up his cocoa.
“Well, I wanted to have someone here to appreciate the ingenuity of my plan! Look here!” He carefully placed two maps and a catalogue on the table, leaning in to whisper excitedly, “I completely mixed up the layout of the store, added in several sections, and replaced the maps with one that mimics Birmingham’s Spaghetti Junction!”
A few tables away, Anathema glanced toward the odd couple curiously, shaking her head. ”“Hey...don’t they look familiar?”
Newt looked up from his bagel and shrugged. “Can’t say they do, but I see what you mean… perhaps at the airfield? Why were we there again?”
_____
Hunger satiated, the rite of passage continued for the young couple - Newt on tea and jacket- holding duty as Anathema considered their strategy and their current predicament. “Where… where are we, exactly? Nothing matches the map, and since when is there an electronics section in Ikea?”
Newt gulped, hearing wires frazzle as he walked past, lights from DIY kits flickering. “Anywhere would be better than here!”
Eye-level displays and shoulder-height shelves cleared out as they walked ahead, leading to an all-glass cuboid room fronted with double doors. A simple book icon in all-white perched above the entrance. They exchanged confused glances, and cautiously walked inside. A short person stood there, seemingly waiting for them. “Unveiling… the BookBookTM!4 You’ve tried ebooks! Now try a normal book!”
Anathema looked over the Ikea catalogues evenly placed on the bamboo tables, then back at the sunglasses-wearing salesman. “Are you...ok?”
“Preorder now and get this free bag!”
“That’s a shopping bag.” Anathema glared at him, ignoring the fact he didn’t seem to have deep enough pockets to pull the bag out of, and not remembering Ikea ever having this sort of module in the store before. ”Do you actually work here? Is this a prank?”
Anathema noticed a taller, yet somewhat stout, man standing near him. The man sighed, “You tried, dear, best be off now.” He led his friend out of the room, the latter mumbling about “creativity” and “that Steve bloke found it impressive.”
“That was...strange. Can we go home soon?” Newt asked. Anathema quickly nodded. After leaving the strange display, the store started to make a bit more sense, or at least as much as an Ikea store can. After a few more hours they bought their stuff and returned home. After emptying the Wasabi, they decided that maybe it’d be best if they never returned.
_____
1 Truth be told, Newt didn’t want the furniture anyway, let alone the feline remnants that were so deeply embedded.
2 A ladle “borrowed” from his mum’s shopping trolley.
3 A colander from the same collection, and the same shopping trolley.
4 Genuinely a real thing. Thought it’d be funny for Crowley to create an Apple-like Ikea store. https://youtu.be/MOXQo7nURs0
Rating: G
Characters: Anathema and Newt, Mr and Mrs Young, the Them, Aziraphale and Crowley
Fear and self-confusion in Ikea
They lurk, they lurk in the night, they lurk in the light, they lurk in strategic maze-like layouts and carefully “lived-in” home exhibits; their labels screeching “ageibsobabdo, 800 sq ft”.
An rather wrinkled shopping list was juggled from one hand to the other as one of the couple clumsily took off his jacket, necessitating the adjustment of bags, glasses, and a surprising amount of layers. “I’m just saying-,” Newt coughed, throwing his jacket onto his arm and pushing up his glasses, ignoring an impatient sigh from Anathema, ”-I’m just saying...well we could’ve just taken my nan’s furniture.”
Anathema shook her head, examining the tag on an office chair. ”And take the nap spots away from her 30 cats?”
“Twenty-eight! 28 cats!” he countered, comparing the Ikea map to the increasing-creased list.1 “We’ve got the linens… and now we’re looking at office stuff for you…”
“Then cookware and new kitchen tools for you, don't worry,” Anathema smiled, jotting down a few more numbers. “I didn’t forget.” Her stomach rumbled. “Maybe after lunch.”
_____
Deidre had been reading magazines again, quite a few actually, on interior design. To the surprise of Mr Young, and the excitement of Adam Young (Retired Antichrist), she decided they should have the joyous sharing experience of an Ikea shopping trip. She’d already found quite a few things, including some that were not originally on her list. The issue remained however, about what was now missing - their child and his friends.
In the children’s section, an opposing set of grandiose pillow forts had been erected. ‘How’ would remain a mystery, along with the answers to ‘where’d those kids get those toy guns from? Where are their parents?’ Adam (Retired Antichrist), current reigning prince of the Eastern Pillow Fort, pointed his scepter2 toward the enemy’s side.
“Fire! Take no prisoners!”
“We’re out of bullets, captain!” Brian said, rubbing his nose. “And snot! What will we do now?!”
“Surrender and perish!” screamed Pepper, vaulting over their bunk bed defences and pushing Adam off his throne. “The king is dead! Long live the king!”
“You can’t be a king, you’re a girl!” piped the dethroned prince.
“And you promised I’d be your second-in-command, and we’d form a democracy!” Wensleydale followed.
Pepper smiled, triumphant, crown3 now on her head. “Well I like the sound of being a king. Also, I lied.”
Wensleydale glared, or at least tried to; Adam and Brian joining him. “Well, I’m going to overthrow you! Then you’ll be in trouble!”
“You’re all in trouble! What the devil is happening here?” Mr and Mrs Young appeared behind them, arms as crossed as they were.
The kids gulped, knees bent ready to run, eyes meeting each others’ simultaneously. “Truce?”
”Truce!“
_____
Aziraphale glanced around the busy bistro, spotting his partner in laziness bringing tea and a gratuitously decorated hot chocolate to the small table. “What brings us here, then? Through the cold winter weather, via crowded buses, and most importantly, out of my bookshop,” he huffed, cheeks puffed under his scarf.
Crowley sighed, shaking his head. “You know I couldn’t give you a lift! I had a… meeting… with my ‘colleagues.’” He tiredly pushed the last word out. ”Targets this, reach more people that, blah blah bla-“
“So what does this have to do with me, and not being surrounded by book-insulated warmth?” Looking at his partner, Aziraphale picked up his cocoa.
“Well, I wanted to have someone here to appreciate the ingenuity of my plan! Look here!” He carefully placed two maps and a catalogue on the table, leaning in to whisper excitedly, “I completely mixed up the layout of the store, added in several sections, and replaced the maps with one that mimics Birmingham’s Spaghetti Junction!”
A few tables away, Anathema glanced toward the odd couple curiously, shaking her head. ”“Hey...don’t they look familiar?”
Newt looked up from his bagel and shrugged. “Can’t say they do, but I see what you mean… perhaps at the airfield? Why were we there again?”
_____
Hunger satiated, the rite of passage continued for the young couple - Newt on tea and jacket- holding duty as Anathema considered their strategy and their current predicament. “Where… where are we, exactly? Nothing matches the map, and since when is there an electronics section in Ikea?”
Newt gulped, hearing wires frazzle as he walked past, lights from DIY kits flickering. “Anywhere would be better than here!”
Eye-level displays and shoulder-height shelves cleared out as they walked ahead, leading to an all-glass cuboid room fronted with double doors. A simple book icon in all-white perched above the entrance. They exchanged confused glances, and cautiously walked inside. A short person stood there, seemingly waiting for them. “Unveiling… the BookBookTM!4 You’ve tried ebooks! Now try a normal book!”
Anathema looked over the Ikea catalogues evenly placed on the bamboo tables, then back at the sunglasses-wearing salesman. “Are you...ok?”
“Preorder now and get this free bag!”
“That’s a shopping bag.” Anathema glared at him, ignoring the fact he didn’t seem to have deep enough pockets to pull the bag out of, and not remembering Ikea ever having this sort of module in the store before. ”Do you actually work here? Is this a prank?”
Anathema noticed a taller, yet somewhat stout, man standing near him. The man sighed, “You tried, dear, best be off now.” He led his friend out of the room, the latter mumbling about “creativity” and “that Steve bloke found it impressive.”
“That was...strange. Can we go home soon?” Newt asked. Anathema quickly nodded. After leaving the strange display, the store started to make a bit more sense, or at least as much as an Ikea store can. After a few more hours they bought their stuff and returned home. After emptying the Wasabi, they decided that maybe it’d be best if they never returned.
_____
1 Truth be told, Newt didn’t want the furniture anyway, let alone the feline remnants that were so deeply embedded.
2 A ladle “borrowed” from his mum’s shopping trolley.
3 A colander from the same collection, and the same shopping trolley.
4 Genuinely a real thing. Thought it’d be funny for Crowley to create an Apple-like Ikea store. https://youtu.be/MOXQo7nURs0
(no subject)
Date: 2018-12-21 12:33 pm (UTC)“Well, I wanted to have someone here to appreciate the ingenuity of my plan!" This is so Crowley!
This was really funny! I agree with you, Crowley has something to do with Ikea.