Happy Holidays, anjael!

[goe_mod]

Title: The Apprentice

For: anjael

Disclaimer: None of this is mine. I'm just borrowing it for a little gift.

Summary: Crowley has been Hell's only agent on Earth since the very beginning. Nevertheless Hell has decided that he needs assistance ... or maybe hindrance. It certainly isn't a lot of help.

Rating: General

There was a "Ping!". Then there was a "Bump.". And then followed some more muffled sounds.

Crowley went to investigate.

The sounds emanated from the kitchen. In fact, they seemed to originate inside the oven.

Crowley's oven was, of course, the very latest technology. Or at least it had been when he had bought it. That had been over a year ago, so maybe it was time to replace it. He didn't quite know. He hadn't been keeping up with kitchen technology as well as he ought to, since he never actually used his kitchen.

Luckily the opening mechanism was quite obvious. Crowley pulled on it and the oven door opened. A gelatinous mass poured out, flowed this way and that and then consolidated into two more or less man-shaped beings.

"Hello Dagon," Crowley greeted, recognising one of them.

"Crowley!" Dagon returned. "Why doesn't your door have a bell?"

"It's the oven door," Crowley explained. "It isn't supposed to have a bell ... and it did ring." Which was somewhat surprising since Crowley had not expected it to and the oven wasn't actually connected. None of Crowley's kitchen appliances had ever been plugged in. They worked just fine anyway ... or at least they had on the two occasions he had used one. "And I did hear your knocking just fine. I just ... you know, the customary way is to arrive through the door of the flat. It took me a moment to figure out what door you were knocking on."

"Get a bell installed," Dagon ordered.

"I already have one," Crowley pointed out. "On the actual door. Maybe you could just use that next time? Ovens do not come equipped with bells."

"I like this one," Dagon declared. "It has just the right temperature. Makes the transition more acceptable to cool down in two steps."

The oven hadn't been turned on, but then Dagon had probably expected it to be hot.

"I'll see to it," Crowley promised, suppressing a sigh. "It might take a few years, though. New technological developments take a lot of planning, funding, development, testing ... Lots of details to get into, so not at all a bad project now that I think about it."

"Good," Dagon said, rather surprising Crowley since that could be interpreted as praise. "Now meet Ooze."

Crowley regarded the other demon.

"Hi!" he said.

"All hail Satan!" barked Ooze while oozing some more green slime onto Crowley's spotless white kitchen tiles.

"Ooze?" Crowley asked Dagon.

"For lack of a better idea," Dagon explained. "I suppose you'll want him to change it to something more human sounding anyway."

"Whatever floats his boat, I guess," Crowley decided with a shrug. He really didn't care what names demons went by ... as long as they went by them as far from wherever Crowley was going at the moment as possible.

"Your choice," Dagon informed him. "Ooze is your new apprentice."

"Apprentice?" Crowley almost yelped. "I didn't request an apprentice. What am I even supposed to train him at? I've been up here from the beginning. I never got any training myself."

"Well, that was because we had never had an agent on Earth before you," Dagon said quite logically. "Nobody knew how to do the job, yet. But now that you have figured it out, we want you to train Ooze. So he won't have to do much figuring. He ... isn't very good at that."

Ooze nodded eagerly, splashing some goo onto the walls and ceiling.

"But why train a new agent at all?" Crowley asked. "He will never have my level of experience and ..."

"We are not trying to replace you!" Dagon cut him off. "We are merely placing a second agent. The idea is that you are to work in different hemispheres ... once Ooze is trained and able to work on his own. Just think of it: Twice as much evil spread in the world! More! The opposition's agent cannot be in two places at once so whenever he is smiting one of you, the other will be able to work entirely undisturbed!"

"Until up there places a second agent as well," Crowley pointed out. "Which is the obvious reaction in such cases. Trust me. The humans do it all the time. Besides, I have no time to waste on training an apprentice. Ooze will just get underfoot, distract me from my tempting and mess up assignments. Beginners always do. I won't be able to meet my tempting quotas - and I was so looking forward to exceeding them this year."

Not that Crowley had expected to do any such thing.

There was no help for it, though. No matter what Crowley said, Dagon told him that this had been decided on and Crowley would just have to put up with it and keep his mind on all the extra evil they would be able to do once Ooze was properly trained.

Then Dagon disappeared in a puff of sulphur, leaving Ooze behind.

"Well," Crowley said. "First things first. As an apprentice you are there to do all the menial work. So you might as well start by cleaning up this mess and airing out the kitchen."

"Cleaning?" Ooze said, giving the kitchen a puzzled look.

"In order to tempt humans one has to appear neat and efficient," Crowley declared. "They do not trust one, if one looks ugly, filthy or sloppy. Not the humans actually worth tempting, anyway."

"Cleaning the ... kitchen?"

"One's flat has to match the appearance of one's person. ... In case a human one is intending to tempt should see it, in any case. I like to be prepared. It is more efficient."

And it would efficiently keep Ooze out of his hair at least as long as it took the apprentice to figure out that he needed to stop oozing to get anything clean.

"Crowley? Crowley!"

Crowley, torn out of a lovely dream of enjoying a holiday in Rome with Aziraphale sometime around 200 BC, sat up with a hiss and blinked at the pitch black 21^st century in the middle of the night. There was a human-sized black shadow in the blackness beside his bed.

"Wha...?" Crowley muttered.

"I have finished cleaning the kitchen," Ooze announced eagerly. "Can I do some evil now?"

"It is the middle of the night," Crowley pointed out.

"Yes, it is almost as dark as home," Ooze stated. "But much too cold."

"Actually, this is a heat wave," Crowley told him and vaguely considered moving to the North Pole ... or South. One ought to serve as well as the other. Except that he didn't think they made good wine in either place.

"So ..." Ooze prompted after a moment. "What evil do we do here at night?"

"We sleep," Crowley informed him. "It is a sin. Sloth, you know. And you interrupted me doing it so now there is less sin in the world. Congratulations, you have actually managed to do a good deed."

"But ... but ... You were just lying here doing nothing!" Ooze protested, sounding quite distressed. And whiny.

"Yes!" Crowley snapped. "Sloth, remember? Now go away and do nothing until I call for you."

"But I haven't done my evil deed for the day," Ooze objected. "And now I have a good one to make up for."

Crowley sighed. He clearly wasn't going to get any more sleep tonight unless he found Ooze something evil to do.

"Very well," he said, miracling on the light - which had the added advantage that it caused Ooze to flinch and cringe - and getting out of bed. "Follow me. You can threaten the pot plants."

They went into the living room.

"This is a plant mister," Crowley explained, holding it up. "And this is a pot plant." The lush philodendron he pointed at trembled quite satisfactorily. "Now all you have to do is point the plant mister at the pot plant like this and push here to mist the plant. Get it?"

"No," said Ooze. "How is that evil?"

"That is not evil. The evil part is that while you do it you threaten the pot plant. Think up some truly horrible things you will do to it, if it doesn't look perfectly lush and blossom beautifully. I want every pot plant in this flat thoroughly terrified by morning ... except the ones in the bedroom. I will see to those myself. Now, do your very worst."

He handed Ooze the plant mister and returned to bed. As he waved out the light it occurred to him that maybe he ought to have also told Ooze how to refill the plant mister when it ran out of water. Then again, since he also hadn't told Ooze that a plant mister could run out of water, Ooze would surely expect it never to run out and thus it shouldn't.

Crowley yawned luxuriously, unhinging and re-hinging his jaw one last time before curling back into bed. Moments later he was floating down a river in Ur on a barge with Aziraphale stretched out beside him.

He really did get to sleep through until the sunlight woke him this time. Just as planned.

His feeling of satisfaction vanished the moment he walked out of the bedroom, though. Outside was a scene of disaster. Every single pot plant Crowley could see was drooping, wilting or even shedding leaves. The plant mister lay discarded and apparently empty on the floor, and Ooze was gesticulating wildly at a hortensia by the window.

"... cover you in manure! And then ..."

"Ooze!"

"Yes?" Ooze asked innocently.

Crowley railed and cursed at his apprentice for almost half an hour before he remembered that that was just a normal conversational tone in Hell. He reigned himself in therefore and regarded Ooze speculatively while trying to come up with an appropriate punishment ... or at least some sort of busywork that would not result in another disaster. The only thing it did make him come up with, however, was a question.

"Why are you covered in dish-towels?"

"It was the only way to get the kitchen clean."

Clearly there was no help for it. Crowley abandoned all evil and not so evil plans for the day in favour of teaching his apprentice how to change shape ("But my name is Ooze! I have to ooze!") and miracle up a human wardrobe ("But the dish-towels were much less complicated!").

"Look, it's just part of the job," Crowley informed his pillow when he crawled into bed that night. "In order to tempt humans, you have to look human."

The pillow at least didn't talk back or ask stupid questions ... though it didn't change its case into a business suit either.

"So, are we finally going to do something evil today?" Ooze asked Crowley the next morning. "I am two evil deeds behind now and I haven't seen you do any evil yet, either."

"You are not ready to join me in my actual work, yet," Crowley informed him. The last thing he needed was a demon watching him sit in the park soaking up the heat while the humans took care of tempting each other - and he didn't actually have anything more significant planned for the day.

He almost added that ruining all his pot plants had been a perfectly evil deed, but decided that that might have unfortunate consequences once he found the time to get replacements.

He looked his apprentice up and down once again, hoping for another inspiration. Much to his disappointment Ooze had indeed assumed a quite handsome human shape and was wearing a spotless business suit. What to do? Crowley had no special project on hand right now and the last thing he wanted to do was take Ooze along on a casual stroll or drive through London.

"Then we had best start at the very beginning," he declared. "Let me show you how to come up with a new project."

Ooze nodded and started heading for the door.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

"To look for a human to tempt? That is what our projects are ... right?"

"Wrong," Crowley told him. "Tempting one human at a time is not enough anymore these days. There are too many of them. We need a project that will work on as large a number as possible at the same time."

"How?" Ooze stared at him in amazement.

Unfortunately it was exactly what Crowley was wondering himself.

"That is the first thing we need to do: come up with the right idea," he declared, making it up as he went.

"How?" Ooze repeated. "Where does one find ideas?"

"On the internet!" Crowley proclaimed, almost grateful to his apprentice for the inspiration. "Which means that I have to show you how to use a computer first, of course."

That took up almost an hour, the computer being every bit as evil as Crowley himself ... or possibly even more so, though Crowley would never admit to it.

"Now," Crowley said. "Why don't you do a bit of market research while I head out to finish off my old project. Just have a look at everything that is going on in the world and think about how it might be turned into evil."

He whisked out the door just as Ooze discovered internet porn. That ought to keep him busy for a while.

"It says it has no connection!" Ooze wailed at Crowley the moment he re-entered the flat.

Crowley smiled.

"Frustrating, isn't it?" he asked. "One of my old projects. Frustrated humans tend to do evil things to other humans who then do even more evil things to yet other humans. That is the sort of project you are looking for."

In all honesty he had had nothing to do with inventing internet connection problems, but he had made some efforts to increase their frequency and occasionally caused them at strategic times. Considering all the commendations he had gotten for things he'd had nothing at all to do with over the years, Crowley thought that practically counted as having invented them.

"Ooh," Ooze said very impressed. "Did you invent those pictures that won't load, too?"

Crowley nodded. Why not, when he was already at it?

"And automatic software updates that break your computer," he claimed. "Sudden noisy advertisement pop ups, firewall programs that block your internet connection, slow connection speeds and, of course, automatic updates that happen just when you need the computer the most urgently. Oh, and site redesigns and increasingly user unfriendly operating systems. Computers are an excellent tool for mass production of evil. But those are all old projects. What new ideas have you come up with while I was ... busy tempting?"

"Uh ..." A glance at the website he was currently on indicated that Ooze had been too busy discovering ego shooters to think up any projects at all. "How about ... websites that won't load unless you sign over your soul?"

"Too obvious," Crowley told him. "It ... would bring our enemy down on us before we got more than one or two souls. That just wouldn't be worth the effort. We need something that can slip under his radar and will last long-term."

"The enemy?"

"The angel. Aziraphale. He is their," Crowley pointed upwards. "Agent on Earth. Has been here since the beginning just like me, so there isn't much about this world that he isn't wise to. That," he added in another sudden burst of inspiration. "Is why I don't let you go out to do any tempting by yourself. If he notices the extra occult energy of your temptations, he'll smite you back into Hell with his flaming sword before I could even get there. Or worse: dissolve you in holy water! ... You do know what holy water can do to you, don't you?"

Ooze nodded hastily. Clearly he didn't even want to think about it.

"How about making them have to give something else to use the sites?" he suggested. "Something that's hard to get or that they don't like to part with?"

"Pay-walls," Crowley said. "Not a bad idea, but unfortunately I already invented them years ago."

He hadn't, of course. The humans had once again thought of it long before he had. He really ought to have claimed capitalism as his invention when he'd had the chance. It certainly had turned out evil enough.

"Then ... ugh ... Maybe just a general breakdown of the internet that is really hard to repair? That'd frustrate a lot of people, wouldn't it?"

"Not very long term," Crowley decided. "But the amount of evil generated would be worth the effort. I doubt we can make it worldwide, though. Use the internet to find out where in the world currently has the lowest amount of evil."

That kept Ooze busy for the rest of the day. In fact, it kept him so busy that Crowley decided to check up on him before going to bed. Was he playing video games again?

But no, he was actually studying the world news.

"I thought we are the only demons stationed on Earth," Ooze said, when he noticed Crowley peering over his shoulder.

"We are," Crowley confirmed.

"But there are lots of places where there is concentrated evil," Ooze reported, sounding quite puzzled. "And I know I didn't do any of it. Did you go to all those places when you went out today?"

"What places?" Crowley asked. "I did go to several, but not overly many."

In fact he'd been to a certain bookshop, a pizzeria Aziraphale had taken a fancy to and St. James' park, so it wasn't technically a lie. Not that there was anything wrong with lying when you were a demon.

"That one for example," Ooze pointed. "There's a lot of evil emanating from it, but it seems too far away."

"The White House," Crowley recognised. "No, that's just ... There are some very evil humans in this world, Ooze. Some of them can almost be mistaken for demons from a distance. They are a great help in our work, but it also means that you must always look closely before you greet a colleague you don't recognise. Revealing oneself as a demon in public can be ... awkward. And it draws the enemy, so one usually has to abandon all projects in the area it happened in for a while."

"So ... What do we do with demon-like humans?" Ooze asked.

"Nothing," Crowley told him, trying hard to block out some truly stomach-turning memories. "It is best to stay out of their way."

"But shouldn't we tempt them and support their evil?"

"Tempt them?" Crowley asked, quite surprised. It never even had occurred to him that he might. In all honesty, they made him much too uncomfortable to ever contemplate them for very long. "That'd be a waste of our time. They are already ours. As for supporting their evil ... well, it can be done in special situations when you want them to do a very specific thing to support one of your projects. That is very tricky, though, and requires a lot of experience. As a beginner you had better leave it alone for now. Most of the time I do, too, because there is already a good amount of evil wherever they are and other regions need my attention more urgently. Have you found anything like that? A place where there is a lot of good going on? That is what we want for our project."

"Oh yes!" Ooze nodded eagerly and brought up a map of London. "See that bit there? There's a lot more kindness and goodwill going on there than in the surrounding area. And it is really close to our lair. That will be very convenient."

"Soho? But that is where ..." Crowley caught himself just in time. "Actually, it does seem rather convenient for your first project. The area is smaller than I would usually choose, but we mustn't forget that you have no experience at all. A small area that you can observe closely might be just the thing. I'll have a personal look at it tomorrow, scout out that it is really safe, you know. Areas where there is an unusual amount of good can also be projects of the enemy, you see. ... Normally we ought to sabotage those, of course, but I don't want you to have to deal with an angel, yet, and Aziraphale is sure to come after us if we mess with one of his projects or start operating too close to it."

"But can we just leave him to spread good?" Ooze gasped, horrified.

"Er ... no," Crowley admitted, unwilling to confess that it was what he usually did. "But I don't want you involved. If I find evidence of angelic activity there, I will do something about it myself. Something very subtle, so the angel won't realise it was me. And then we'll do our project elsewhere while he is busy trying to fix it. Don't want you discorporated on your very first project."

Thus Crowley left early the next morning, just around the time the shops started to open for the day, and left Ooze by himself once again. He didn't even set him a task for the day.

Ooze, who had been quite bored doing nothing all night, was quite upset by this at first. Here he was in a disgustingly dry and solid human body, wearing most uncomfortable clothes, with nothing to do and not a single evil deed to show for his efforts of the last three days.

Of course, when he thought about it he realised that Crowley had no task for him to do, until he had made sure that the intended target area for their project was indeed safe to work in. Ooze privately thought that Crowley ought to have taken him along and taught him how to scout an area, but he realised that Crowley had chosen not to do so because he thought that it might be too dangerous for Ooze in case they really did run into that angel.

Crowley, Ooze had concluded a while ago, was seriously overprotective. Most likely he feared punishment in case his apprentice came to harm. He also must be severely underestimating Ooze's demonic abilities, but then he had never had an apprentice before and judging from the conversation between him and Dagon when Dagon had brought him here, Crowley had also had a very rough start in his job. Most likely he remembered it as much more dangerous to beginners than it actually was.

Well, no reason to be uncomfortable if he wasn't going to be tempting any humans. Ooze de-materialised his clothes and returned to his proper demonic shape. Then he looked around for something to do.

Most of the pot plants were still dead and he supposed Crowley would be displeased if he killed some more in an attempt to improve his plant threatening performance. Better wait until Crowley actually taught him how it was done.

Ooze tried threatening the plant mister instead. Then he threatened the sofa, the TV and the carpet. None of them wilted, so he decided he must be making at least a little progress. They didn't bloom either, though. In fact, they barely reacted at all. Especially the TV seemed so unimpressed that Ooze wondered whether it might be deaf.

Threatening things that didn't react grew boring after a while, so Ooze turned on the computer and researched evil some more. Apparently there was a much greater variety of it in this world than he had expected. It didn't have the reassuring omnipresence it did at home in Hell, though. Ooze was almost burning to finally get out there and increase it. If only Crowley would finally come back! The only advantage of burning to do evil was that it made him feel a little less cold.

Maybe he could do some indoors evil Crowley's way, though!

Ooze oozed into the bedroom and tried doing absolutely nothing on the bed for a while. That turned out to be even more boring than threatening the TV. Except for the sheets developing some rather nice looking stains, nothing at all happened.

And shouldn't Crowley have been back long ago? How long could it take to scout an area that, according to Crowley, was actually smaller than the ones he usually worked in? Could it be that his teacher had really run into the angel there and been discorporated? Or maybe he was still fighting the angel and needed help?

If so, this was Ooze's chance to prove that he was more competent than Crowley thought.

He got out of bed, walked to the front door and, when he realised that it was locked, oozed out under it. Since outside turned out to have stairs leading down, he kept right on oozing until he reached the street.

There his arrival was met by some shrieking, squealing tires and a loud and satisfactory crash followed by shouts for the police, the fire department and the army. Ooze wasn't quite sure why those might be required, but he had a more important task on his mind right now than to figure out human ways. He might have been here for three days, but he had never been outside before and despite all the maps he'd seen on the internet, he did not know his way around London.

When he tried very hard he could faintly feel the emanations of good from the target area, though. Or at least he thought they must be coming from the target area. There were other emanations of good around, some of which even felt stronger, but they were also much closer.

Ooze decided to follow the distant ones. If nothing else, they would lead him to a place where he could do some evil.

It was not easy, though. The feeling of good got stronger the closer he got. It ought to have shown him the shortest path to his destination, but apparently good was quite capable of emanating through walls while demons had to ooze over them. Oozing upwards took quite a lot of demonic strength. On top of the third high rise, Ooze had to take a rest.

He chose the part of the roof that was furthest from the closest source of good, a balcony on the second to last floor, and settled down for some quiet oozing in place. His target good was moving now, he noticed. It was heading a little closer and more towards the right. It would have been more practical if it had come straight at him, but then at least this probably meant one or two fewer high rises to go and that he wasn't under attack. No good was coming straight at him.

Then something started raining onto him and ... sucking at him? He had thought Earth rain was wet, not drying!

A look around revealed that it wasn't rain, but humans in uniforms spraying him with something. Ooze had to expend some more demonic energy to deflect the substance back at them and drive them back into their vehicle.

He lost even more energy and several seconds of oozing time figuring out how to separate the chemical binder from his body. It wasn't very difficult, but it did defeat the purpose of this rest, so he decided to continue on his way. Oozing down a high rise took very little effort at all, anyway.

By the time he reached Aziraphale's favourite sushi restaurant, Ooze was quite annoyed and exhausted, though. He had managed to put a block or two of distance between himself and the emergency services chasing him, but knew from experience that they would soon be upon him again if he stopped for more than a moment or two. How did Crowley manage to go out without bringing them back to the flat every time? Clearly there had to be a trick to it that he hadn't gotten around to teaching Ooze, yet. Perhaps that and not underestimation of his tempting or fighting skills had been the reason Crowley had not taken him along on the scouting mission? Scouting agents of hell probably ought not to trail several wagon loads of hectic and very noisy humans behind them wherever they scouted.

Ah well, it was too late for second thoughts. There, right ahead, lay the source of the strongest emanation of good Ooze had ever felt in his almost full century of existence. It was so good it hurt just to be across the street from it! He had to do something about it or be discorporated trying!

He did his best to blend out the pain and bravely oozed in under the door. Then he stopped short in astonishment. There right beside the blazing good sat Crowley, looking completely relaxed as if nothing were hurting him at all! And down in Hell they had told him that Crowley was a pathetic wimp that didn't have the courage of the average imp! Ooze's respect for his mentor soared to unexpected heights.

Like Crowley, the source of good, too, looked human and was wearing human clothes. For a moment Ooze contemplated the possibility that this might be a human Crowley was tempting. No good this strong could possibly be human, though, right? Besides, Crowley did not do one on one temptations. It had to be the enemy! That horrible angel with flaming sword and holy water. And Crowley was right next to it and risking being recognised and smited or dissolved at any moment!

That would not only significantly diminish the amount of evil on Earth for the foreseeable future. It would also leave Ooze stranded here alone without any guidance how to get rid of his tail of humans or even how to find his way back to the safety of the flat. He had to do something!

So Ooze threw himself at the angel with a mighty demonic roar.

Aziraphale turned around in surprise. His halo flared in startlement and ... with another blood curdling shriek the strange slimy blob sank into a pile of ashes next to the door.

Aziraphale blinked.

"What in the world was that?" he asked, half tempted to get up and investigate.

"Ooze," Crowley sighed. "You know, my troublesome apprentice? I told him you were too dangerous for him to come near. I guess I was more right than I realised."

"But," Aziraphale said quite puzzled. "I didn't do anything."

"You flared your halo," Crowley told him. "He isn't accustomed to that. In fact, he'd probably never seen one before. It was his first time ever out of ... Down There, after all. Ah well, at least that takes care of him for a while. Getting a new corporation takes decades, especially when you aren't familiar with the procedure, yet, and don't know who to bribe." He'd probably get punished for this, though. Possibly dragged back to Hell. "Do you want the rest of my sushi? I'm not very hungry anymore."

"I am really sorry, Dear," Aziraphale said, but pulled Crowley's plate over to his place without hesitation. "I didn't mean to hurt the poor thing. Will you miss him very much?"

"Of course not. I am glad to be rid of him," Crowley said. "The only downside is the paperwork. ... I was tempting you, of course. And you viciously attacked and discorporated my apprentice with your terrible smiting skills. That just sounds better in the report. For both our reputations."

"Of course, Dear," Aziraphale agreed. "But I am sorry. Now, about that temptation you wanted me to handle for you ..."

The flat felt surprisingly empty without Ooze. Funny how one could get used to an annoyance in one's home so quickly. Crowley was glad that he could safely replace his pot plants now, though. He just wasn't used to the place being so quiet anymore.

He turned on the television to take care of that problem.

"Crowley!" barked the news reporter on the screen right away.

"Dagon!" Crowley yelped. "What a surprise to hear from you. Right the moment I turn on the device, I mean. I was expecting you to call after the unfortunate fate of Ooze, of course. I assure you there was nothing I could have done, though. I ..."

"Yes, yes," Dagon said. "We already know. Ooze confessed to disobeying you at the very first suggestion of torture."

"He was awfully overeager to do evil on his own," Crowley explained. "And just didn't see the purpose of subterfuge. To be quite honest, he doesn't seem to have quite what it takes to work on Earth, I fear. Not smart enough, you know. A very slow learner at the very least. It is ..."

Dagon sighed.

"Please, I already heard it all from Beelzebub," he said. "I am only calling to inform you that Ooze is to be reassigned ... just as soon as we find a stack of paperwork obscure enough for him to push around without further mishaps. And we will need a written incident report from you. In triplicate. As well as damage estimation and a revised tempting prognostication."

"Further mishaps?" Crowley asked. "But ... this was really just one ... that you know of. There was a second, I grant, but it was quite minor. The sort of mistake any beginner would be likely to make."

"Yes well, we tried to set Ooze to paperwork once before," Dagon explained. "Put him in charge of requisition forms ... and he handed them out to all that required them immediately, in full and with the right number of copies. Including the instructions! And he even answered everybody's questions simply and comprehensibly."

"Ouch," Crowley said sympathetically. "How very undemonic."

"Indeed. So we decided he might do better at physical labour and set him to supervise the souls of the damned. And he made them laugh! We transferred him to the torturing squad and he fainted at the very first sight of a soul being tortured. That's when I thought of you, since you always were awfully squeamish about that end of the business as well. So I decided to try him up here. Beelzebub did warn me, but well, I thought it was worth a try. ... I still expect you to equip that gateway of yours with a bell before my next visit on Earth, though, you hear!"

"Yes Sir," Crowley confirmed hastily. "I'm already on it. It is an oven, though. Not a ..."

But Dagon was already gone and the news reporter going on about some chemical accident. Maybe more boring television programming would make for a good new project to take on, but it had a way of backfiring on him and what with all the paperwork he had just been settled with ... Crowley decided to take the rest of the day off, go out and have a look around some florists' shops instead. It couldn't hurt to do some market research, before he decided on what plants to get.

Comments

[hsavinien]

Well, Ooze did its best, heheheh.

[secret_kraken]

Well, he might have lasted a little longer if he'd remembered his human disguise.

[(Anonymous)]

I love everything about this. The amount of thought that went into all the details is fantastic. There were so many nods to some of my favorite details in the book. I also liked the natural expansion of some of the notes from the book - how the oven behaved a certain way because Crowley expected it to, or all the things Crowley took credit for that he didn't do, or even the more serious moments where it is noted that humans can be more evil than demons.


I legit adored Ooze. He is trying So Hard to be a Good (Evil?) Demon! His internal monologue was great.


My favorite line was: Then he stopped short in astonishment. There right beside the blazing good sat Crowley, looking completely relaxed as if nothing were hurting him at all! And down in Hell they had told him that Crowley was a pathetic wimp that didn't have the courage of the average imp! Ooze's respect for his mentor soared to unexpected heights. Crowley has finally succeeded in making someone think he is cool!


Totally worth being late for work to read this. xoxo Ri.

[secret_kraken]

A pity Crowley has no idea what a cool thing his tolerance for Aziraphale's good is.

Glad you liked Oooze.

[cursiell_4]

It was adorable and funny accurate that Ooze caught Aziraphale and Crowley eating sushi next to eachother.

Love Crowley shamelessly taking credit for all the internet inconveniences and Ooze proposing marketing strategies to get souls through the internet ahahaha!!!!
"How about ... websites that won't load unless you sign over your soul?"

Awww Ooze wasn't really that bad wasn't he?... Well he killed some plants.

But my favorite part was Dragon preferring the oven over the door. It really makes a lot of sense because it is warm there.

[secret_kraken]

Ooze wanted to be very evil and would have been if Crowley had shown him how. I definitely wouldn't call him good ... though whether he might have had the potential to become better with exposure to humanity and Aziraphale is a question I'm not prepared to answer.

[sonnet23]

I loved it! It was funny and so well-written! I'd love to see more of Ooze's adventures on Earth. I kind of pitied him to be honest, especially when I learnt that he was so bad at being a demon! He just needs a proper angelic Adversary who would teach him to wear suits and eat sushi and let the humans do the tempting.

Also, it looks like Crowley misses him a bit too. Maybe you could write a sequel where Oozw gets a second chance? :D

My favourite parts are where Crowley is explaining the basics of the job using this brilliantly exaggerated formal language:
"In order to tempt humans one has to appear neat and efficient," Crowley declared. "They do not trust one, if one looks ugly, filthy or sloppy."

And the moment where Ooze is trying to threaten the furniture. XD

Thank you for the story!

[secret_kraken]

Ooze will be quite happy to be back in hell and doing evil. He never had time to get used to Earth, so he won't miss it.

And Crowley wouldn't know what to do with him underfoot all the time. Sooner or later he'd have to allow Ooze outside and then he couldn't see Aziraphale without risking Hell finding out. That's why I sent Ooze back in the end.

[(Anonymous)]

I can't stop thinking how fun it would be next time Crowley gets into his bed

[secret_kraken]

Oh dear, yes. Crowley will stop missing Ooze the moment he discovers that.

[improbabledreams900]

Lol! Poor Ooze, just trying to do his best!

[secret_kraken]

Don't worry, he'll be fine in Hell. It's his home.

[curiouslissa]

Being a mentor clearly is not Crowley's thing. :))
It's a pity because Ooze clearly has potential! He so quickly took to the internet and managed nice human form. I wonder if Crowley will miss him...
The start with the mysterious ping and noise and kitchen oven was just brilliant :D

[secret_kraken]

Crowley will miss Ooze exactly until the moment he gets into bed that night.

Glad you like the beginning as my beta didn't care for the style of it and I wasn't entirely sure about leaving it this way.

[anjael]

Oh I absolutely loved this! I really enjoyed how you wrote Ooze and their trying to reason through being on Earth and what Crowley was asking them to do, and Crowley's creative interpretations of what he does every day and why !

Also Dagon's thoughts about the oven were hilarious ~

Thank you so much for making this for me!

[secret_kraken]

The modern world is a little confusing when you've only ever known Hell before - or when you haven't been up here all that often or for long in the last thousand years or so. ;)

I loved getting into the demons' minds, though I'm afraid writing TV-verse turned out to be tougher than I expected. Glad you enjoyed it despite the book creeping in again and again.

[maniacalmole]

Travel via oven does make sense!

"He really didn't care what names demons went by ... as long as they went by them as far from wherever Crowley was going at the moment as possible." I love the wording of this, very Pratchett-esque :D

I actually feel bad for Ooze! His first day, and he already does a good deed! Plus his descriptions of Hell sound pretty bad...
I do love him threatening every object in Crowley's flat, though XD

"Not that there was anything wrong with lying when you were a demon." Convenient!

"Ooze's respect for his mentor soared to unexpected heights." Oh, boy XD

The scene where Ooze gets vaporized and the other two are just like "Huh? What happened? Oh *sips tea*" is very funny XD But I still feel so bad for Ooze! He seems better than most demons, even if he does want to 'do evil'. This was so fun!

[secret_kraken]

"very Pratchett-esque"
Strongly influenced by the book, actually ... or rather that is what I was referencing rather than Pratchett per se.

Ooze was actually very happy to find himself back in Hell and permitted to stay there permanently. As terrible as it may seem to us it is home to him and our world was horribly complicated and confusing to him. Now he will be allowed to ooze as much as he likes and never have to wear a business suit or be sprayed with chemical binder again.

[maniacalmole]

Well, you know, never having to wear a suit does make it seem almost worth it!