Happy Holidays, silverfox!
Dec. 3rd, 2022 05:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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go_exchangeTitle: Panic! It's Satanic!
For: silverfox
Summary: Aziraphale and Crowley are sent to investigate this mysterious new board game sweeping the nation.
Additional Character: Gabriel
Warning: Vague mention of medical malpractice and manipulation of kids and rude language
Rating: Teen
Gabriel’s violet eyes dimmed slightly in irritation. “Aziraphale, for fuck’s sake. What part of ‘Stop the entirety of the United States from playing a popular game’ is so hard?”
Aziraphale paused, trying to choose his words carefully. “The uh- The motive, sir. What makes this, this um, ‘Dungeons and Dragons’ so bad? Isn’t it a delightful board game?”
Gabriel glared, causing a cold shiver to crawl up Aziraphale’s spine. The phrase ‘If looks could kill’ came to his mind as Aziraphale ducked his head, trying to avoid Gabriel’s knife-sharp gaze.
"Oh, I don't know." His words came out in a hot breath, sarcasm and fury mingling together. "Maybe because there's a SATANIC PANIC going on? And KIDS are getting hurt?" He shrugged mockingly. "But you know, you're right. Who cares if Satan is torturing kids and bending them to his will, huh?" He shook his head, disgust etched into his square face. "I thought you were kind, Aziraphale. How could you be so heartless?"
The accusation felt like a stab in the stomach. Aziraphale’s eyes widened as a cold sweat broke above his brow. He twisted his hands desperately as words fought to leave his dry mouth. "Oh-I. I'm sorry, I-I didn't realize children were-...that changes everything!"
“That’s what I thought.” Gabriel glared as he pointed out the white door. “Well, what are you waiting for, sunshine? GO!”
Before Gabriel’s voice finished echoing the sterile halls, Aziraphale’s legs were scrambling wildly to the exit.
Manhattan Beach, California was almost picturesque, if it wasn't for the troubled allegations gripping the terrifying populace. Aziraphale stood on the sandy beach, watching the sun set. His tan-colored suit almost blended into the sand around him. He closed his eyes, enjoying the gentle breeze for a moment. Then he felt itchy. “Oh, fiddlesticks!” Brown specks began clinging to his suit, rendering him uncomfortable. He kept swiping his hands, trying to clear his suit of the coarse menace, but it was no avail. With a pout, he began shuffling his way off the beach. The wind began to pick up as his feet made contact with the concrete parking lot. In the corner of his eye he saw a familiar black Bentley sitting obediently next to the exit. The soreness in his feet almost evaporated away as he strode to the car.
A familiar grumpy redhead glowered over the steering wheel until Aziraphale was within Sensing Distance. His fashionably bushy (for the time) eyebrows rose up as he reached over to open the passenger side door. “Angel!”
“Crowley? What brings you to the Americas?”
Crowley leaned back, raking his hand over his permed red curls. His thin fingers got caught in the stiff hair-sprayed hair, and he struggled to untangle from the frizzy menace. His annoyed grunts caused Aziraphale to fail in suppressing a chuckle. “Having trouble, my dear boy?”
“No…I….Shut it!” Crowley replied, finally wrenching his poor fingers from the carnivorous curls. He turned his pointy face to the angel, annoyance plain on his downturned eyebrows. He huffed. “What was your question, Angel?”
Amusement crinkled the lines around Aziraphale’s eyes as he repeated the question. “What brings you to the Americas?”
“‘Took credit for that board game thing. Now the Big Red bastard wants me to make sure it spreads…..evil….stuff. I’m too tired for metaphors.”
Aziraphale pursed his lips and furrowed his brows, deep in thought. “Yes, I was rather…enthusiastically assigned to stop the spread of the game.”
Crowley cringed. “He gave you that look, yeah?”
Aziraphale pouted as he nodded. “Oh, Crowley! What are we going to do? I don’t even know what this silly thing even is, let alone how to stop it!”
Crowley drummed his long fingers along the steering wheel, a mischievous grin curling on his face. “Well,” he drawled. “I know one way you can learn about it, Angel….”
~
“The castle looms ahead of the gnarled, thorny trees. All the rotting windows are pitch black, and the air around you is deathly quiet. What do you do, Sir Alaric?” Crowley dropped his voice to barely above a whisper, leaning in. The dim lights reflected a glee in his eyes.
“I choose to turn around and go back!” Aziraphale stated plainly.
Crowley’s face dropped in annoyance. “Angel, you can’t just-”
“Not an Angel, I’m a Paladin.”
Crowley huffed. “Paladin Sir Alaric, you can’t just….just LEAVE. There’s a story here! And intrigue!”
Aziraphale folded his hands on his lap, his face looking stern. “Well, then you shouldn’t have made your setting so spooky. Anyone would turn around and go back! What sort of depravity did you have in store?”
“Only one way to find out, Angel.” Crowley swayed, hoping the lilt in his voice would pique his curiosity.
Aziraphale lowered his head, pouting. This specific look was one he knew poor Crowley was powerless to resist. “But Crowley, you said this is a game of imagination! Why does it have to be spooky? Can’t we have a nice game of nice things?”
Crowley rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses. “For Satan’s sake- fine.” He snapped his fingers, the tiny castle splintered and fell away. In its place was a small fairy tale cottage. The board’s moody greens, blacks, and blues brightened to a more serene color palette.
“Happy?” Crowley huffed.
Aziraphale smiled gently. “I am rather, yes!”
Crowley’s harsh face softened at Aziraphale’s smile. He looked down at the cheery colors, and an idea came to him. “You, Sir Alaric, are making a delicious stew for the fairy king. But oh no! You’re out of spices! What will you do?”
“Now THIS is an adventure, dear boy!” Aziraphale beamed as he collected his many dice. “I use my…um….my perception, yes? To see if there are any greengrocers nearby!”
~
The adventure concluded. Sir Alaric the paladin had to use his high charisma stat to get carrots from an angry troll. When the fairy king huffed at his stew and said he was allergic to carrots, Sir Alaric decided to secretly seduce him, despite it being against the rules for His Order. He rolled a natural 20, both seducing the fairy king (who Crowley didn’t base on himself, no no no) and keeping it hidden from His Order.
Aziraphale clapped happily. “Oh this game is simply marvelous! I don’t understand why it’s considered evil? It’s just a board game!”
Crowley sighed. “It’s to do with bad doctors. I’d tell you more but then I’d have to drink. Actually, I may drink anyway.” He miracled a bottle of whiskey and began to chug, trying to drown out the faces of the confused children he saw.
“I wish we could convince people it’s harmless. It’s no more satanic than writing a book, and I hardly see people jailed for that!”
Crowley refrained from reminding him about Oscar Wilde and Marquis De Sade. “It’s humans being humans, Angel. They need something to blame and be afraid of. Easier to ban a board game than greed.”
“Perhaps if it wasn’t so popular?”
“Hm?”
“Yes, if not as many people wanted to play it, I could report a good thwarting and you could….um….” Aziraphale furrowed his brows in thought.
“I could make it an underground thing. Tell Lucifer it’s easier to influence people if it’s secret and not public, yeah?”
“Yes! Good thinking!”
Crowley snapped his fingers and smiled, confusing Aziraphale.
“My dear boy, what did you do?”
“I convinced a film director to make a movie.”
“Um. Forgive me, but how will that help?”
Crowley crossed his arms smugly. “The movie is gonna be badly written and badly directed. The dialogue is going to be so over the top, people can’t help but laugh. People will think of this terrible movie when they think of Dungeons and Dragons. Gonna cast an up-and-coming actor too, so when they go back on his acting history, they find this movie.”
“Who is the actor?”
“Tom Hanks.”
For: silverfox
Summary: Aziraphale and Crowley are sent to investigate this mysterious new board game sweeping the nation.
Additional Character: Gabriel
Warning: Vague mention of medical malpractice and manipulation of kids and rude language
Rating: Teen
Gabriel’s violet eyes dimmed slightly in irritation. “Aziraphale, for fuck’s sake. What part of ‘Stop the entirety of the United States from playing a popular game’ is so hard?”
Aziraphale paused, trying to choose his words carefully. “The uh- The motive, sir. What makes this, this um, ‘Dungeons and Dragons’ so bad? Isn’t it a delightful board game?”
Gabriel glared, causing a cold shiver to crawl up Aziraphale’s spine. The phrase ‘If looks could kill’ came to his mind as Aziraphale ducked his head, trying to avoid Gabriel’s knife-sharp gaze.
"Oh, I don't know." His words came out in a hot breath, sarcasm and fury mingling together. "Maybe because there's a SATANIC PANIC going on? And KIDS are getting hurt?" He shrugged mockingly. "But you know, you're right. Who cares if Satan is torturing kids and bending them to his will, huh?" He shook his head, disgust etched into his square face. "I thought you were kind, Aziraphale. How could you be so heartless?"
The accusation felt like a stab in the stomach. Aziraphale’s eyes widened as a cold sweat broke above his brow. He twisted his hands desperately as words fought to leave his dry mouth. "Oh-I. I'm sorry, I-I didn't realize children were-...that changes everything!"
“That’s what I thought.” Gabriel glared as he pointed out the white door. “Well, what are you waiting for, sunshine? GO!”
Before Gabriel’s voice finished echoing the sterile halls, Aziraphale’s legs were scrambling wildly to the exit.
Manhattan Beach, California was almost picturesque, if it wasn't for the troubled allegations gripping the terrifying populace. Aziraphale stood on the sandy beach, watching the sun set. His tan-colored suit almost blended into the sand around him. He closed his eyes, enjoying the gentle breeze for a moment. Then he felt itchy. “Oh, fiddlesticks!” Brown specks began clinging to his suit, rendering him uncomfortable. He kept swiping his hands, trying to clear his suit of the coarse menace, but it was no avail. With a pout, he began shuffling his way off the beach. The wind began to pick up as his feet made contact with the concrete parking lot. In the corner of his eye he saw a familiar black Bentley sitting obediently next to the exit. The soreness in his feet almost evaporated away as he strode to the car.
A familiar grumpy redhead glowered over the steering wheel until Aziraphale was within Sensing Distance. His fashionably bushy (for the time) eyebrows rose up as he reached over to open the passenger side door. “Angel!”
“Crowley? What brings you to the Americas?”
Crowley leaned back, raking his hand over his permed red curls. His thin fingers got caught in the stiff hair-sprayed hair, and he struggled to untangle from the frizzy menace. His annoyed grunts caused Aziraphale to fail in suppressing a chuckle. “Having trouble, my dear boy?”
“No…I….Shut it!” Crowley replied, finally wrenching his poor fingers from the carnivorous curls. He turned his pointy face to the angel, annoyance plain on his downturned eyebrows. He huffed. “What was your question, Angel?”
Amusement crinkled the lines around Aziraphale’s eyes as he repeated the question. “What brings you to the Americas?”
“‘Took credit for that board game thing. Now the Big Red bastard wants me to make sure it spreads…..evil….stuff. I’m too tired for metaphors.”
Aziraphale pursed his lips and furrowed his brows, deep in thought. “Yes, I was rather…enthusiastically assigned to stop the spread of the game.”
Crowley cringed. “He gave you that look, yeah?”
Aziraphale pouted as he nodded. “Oh, Crowley! What are we going to do? I don’t even know what this silly thing even is, let alone how to stop it!”
Crowley drummed his long fingers along the steering wheel, a mischievous grin curling on his face. “Well,” he drawled. “I know one way you can learn about it, Angel….”
~
“The castle looms ahead of the gnarled, thorny trees. All the rotting windows are pitch black, and the air around you is deathly quiet. What do you do, Sir Alaric?” Crowley dropped his voice to barely above a whisper, leaning in. The dim lights reflected a glee in his eyes.
“I choose to turn around and go back!” Aziraphale stated plainly.
Crowley’s face dropped in annoyance. “Angel, you can’t just-”
“Not an Angel, I’m a Paladin.”
Crowley huffed. “Paladin Sir Alaric, you can’t just….just LEAVE. There’s a story here! And intrigue!”
Aziraphale folded his hands on his lap, his face looking stern. “Well, then you shouldn’t have made your setting so spooky. Anyone would turn around and go back! What sort of depravity did you have in store?”
“Only one way to find out, Angel.” Crowley swayed, hoping the lilt in his voice would pique his curiosity.
Aziraphale lowered his head, pouting. This specific look was one he knew poor Crowley was powerless to resist. “But Crowley, you said this is a game of imagination! Why does it have to be spooky? Can’t we have a nice game of nice things?”
Crowley rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses. “For Satan’s sake- fine.” He snapped his fingers, the tiny castle splintered and fell away. In its place was a small fairy tale cottage. The board’s moody greens, blacks, and blues brightened to a more serene color palette.
“Happy?” Crowley huffed.
Aziraphale smiled gently. “I am rather, yes!”
Crowley’s harsh face softened at Aziraphale’s smile. He looked down at the cheery colors, and an idea came to him. “You, Sir Alaric, are making a delicious stew for the fairy king. But oh no! You’re out of spices! What will you do?”
“Now THIS is an adventure, dear boy!” Aziraphale beamed as he collected his many dice. “I use my…um….my perception, yes? To see if there are any greengrocers nearby!”
~
The adventure concluded. Sir Alaric the paladin had to use his high charisma stat to get carrots from an angry troll. When the fairy king huffed at his stew and said he was allergic to carrots, Sir Alaric decided to secretly seduce him, despite it being against the rules for His Order. He rolled a natural 20, both seducing the fairy king (who Crowley didn’t base on himself, no no no) and keeping it hidden from His Order.
Aziraphale clapped happily. “Oh this game is simply marvelous! I don’t understand why it’s considered evil? It’s just a board game!”
Crowley sighed. “It’s to do with bad doctors. I’d tell you more but then I’d have to drink. Actually, I may drink anyway.” He miracled a bottle of whiskey and began to chug, trying to drown out the faces of the confused children he saw.
“I wish we could convince people it’s harmless. It’s no more satanic than writing a book, and I hardly see people jailed for that!”
Crowley refrained from reminding him about Oscar Wilde and Marquis De Sade. “It’s humans being humans, Angel. They need something to blame and be afraid of. Easier to ban a board game than greed.”
“Perhaps if it wasn’t so popular?”
“Hm?”
“Yes, if not as many people wanted to play it, I could report a good thwarting and you could….um….” Aziraphale furrowed his brows in thought.
“I could make it an underground thing. Tell Lucifer it’s easier to influence people if it’s secret and not public, yeah?”
“Yes! Good thinking!”
Crowley snapped his fingers and smiled, confusing Aziraphale.
“My dear boy, what did you do?”
“I convinced a film director to make a movie.”
“Um. Forgive me, but how will that help?”
Crowley crossed his arms smugly. “The movie is gonna be badly written and badly directed. The dialogue is going to be so over the top, people can’t help but laugh. People will think of this terrible movie when they think of Dungeons and Dragons. Gonna cast an up-and-coming actor too, so when they go back on his acting history, they find this movie.”
“Who is the actor?”
“Tom Hanks.”
Satanic panic
Date: 2022-12-03 01:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2022-12-03 04:35 pm (UTC)Oh, thank you so much, secret author. This was a wonderfully cheering surprise at the end of a tough day. Plus extra thanks for including Gabriel as he is my favourite archangel. Hope he was pleased with the result of Aziraphale's intervention. *imagining him actually watching the movie*
(no subject)
Date: 2022-12-04 03:47 am (UTC)‘Big Red bastard’ XD
‘too tired for metaphors’ relatable to writers everywhere
Omg I want to play a campaign about making stew for the fairy king
Oh wow, I’ve never heard of this movie! And now I can’t decide if I want to watch it or not XD This was fun, thank you!
(no subject)
Date: 2022-12-05 10:58 am (UTC)But most of all Aziraphale playing D*D was PERFECTION. I laughed so much at his sweet little adventure.
“I choose to turn around and go back!” Aziraphale stated plainly.
As a DM, I was in tears.
(no subject)
Date: 2022-12-07 11:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2022-12-13 12:31 am (UTC)