Happy Holidays, 05nataku!

[goe_mod]

Title: That Time of the Year

Rating: T

Recipient: 05nataku

Pairings: Aziraphale/Crowley

Summary: Crowley has to show Aziraphale his snake side when his tail gets stuck during a particularly rough shed.

Tags: Established Relationship, Snake Crowley, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Post-Armageddon’t, Insecure Crowley

…
Crowley didn’t really mind shedding his skin every few months. Sure, it was a major inconvenience sometimes, especially when he had a temptation to carry out, but couldn’t because he was stuck in his room, waiting for his old, dead skin to just fall off. But other than that, it was fine. He’d had plenty of time to get used to it after all. Six thousand years was more than enough time to adjust to that sort of thing.

But that was then, and this was now. Now, he was panicking.

He was panicking, because he hadn’t considered this at all before moving to the South Downs with Aziraphale, and he couldn’t just slither around as a giant snake, trying to wriggle out of his old skin, as the angel calmly sipped at his cocoa and read a book, could he?

It was absolutely out of the question.

No, he had to find a way to get this over with without Aziraphale noticing a single thing. It happened only a few times each year, how hard could it be to possibly hide it?

So, as the physical signs, like the gradual loss of vision and the flaking of his human skin, had started to manifest themselves, Crowley had come up with some shitty excuse, like ’hey, I’m just gonna take a long nap, and no you can’t come into the room, because I don’t want to be disturbed.’

‘Are you sure you’re okay, sweetheart?’ Aziraphale had asked. ‘Anything I can do for you?’

And Crowley hated hiding things from him, but he just couldn’t have Aziraphale see him like this, all disgusting and snake-y. What would he even think? So, he had just said, ‘nope, nothing at all. I just wanna be left alone. See you in, like, a week.’

But Aziraphale, being Aziraphale, with his unending need to help, had kept pushing it, kept asking Crowley if he was okay, and if he could do anything, and in the end the ‘ I just wanna be left alone’ had transformed into ‘I just want you to leave me alone’, and the expression on the angel’s face wasn’t the one Crowley could easily manage to forget. Just one more entry to his list of reasons as to why he should hate himself, why the hell not?

Aziraphale had looked like a puppy that had just been kicked out by the person he had trusted, and Crowley really hadn’t meant the words, wanted to desperately take them back and apologize profusely. But instead, he had just bolted, like a fucking coward, slamming the door to the bedroom with more force than necessary, as he had moved quickly to make sure Aziraphale wouldn’t catch up to him. Though he’d been almost sure that the angel wouldn’t try to come after him.

He had been right, too.

And that was how he had ended up locked up in their bedroom, in his snake form, and panicking, as Aziraphale was gently knocking on the door, expecting any sort of reaction from him, after a few days from their initial conversation.

Crowley was doomed.

He would avoid it if he could, but his corporation simply wouldn’t remain human when it was that time of the year. It wasn’t something he could control. One more giant fuck you from the Almighty, as if the snake-eyes, and the burning, excruciating pain of Falling hadn’t been enough.

“Crowley, dear, please,” the voice behind the door was saying. “Whatever I’ve done to upset you, I’m sorry. Please, just come out, and let’s talk about this.”

But they couldn’t talk about this, not really. Not now, when he looked like this. He couldn’t do it, couldn’t bear to feel Aziraphale’s shock and disgust, however much he would try to hide it. Truly a demon, in case he’d forgotten.

“Go away!” he hissed, actually hissed, because even though he was still able to speak, every sound that came out of his mouth in this form was closer to a hiss than an actual word.

There was silence from behind the door, and then a hushed ‘sorry’ a few moments later, before fading footsteps were heard.

And Crowley just wanted to curl up on himself. He silently promised that he would apologize to Aziraphale time and time again, after he was done with this whole pesky shedding business. It shouldn’t be too long now.

…
Well, that was where he was wrong. Because a few more days had passed, with no further interruption by Aziraphale—much to Crowley’s relief and dismay, because he wasn’t sure how to feel about this—and he still hadn’t got rid of his old skin completely.

He couldn’t see anything, but it felt like a part of it had got stuck around his tail.

Which was bad. Very bad. He needed to remove it somehow, because he could lose his tail otherwise, which would make him lose an arm or a leg in his human form, which was obviously not practical at all since Hell would refuse to just issue him a new body, which was why he was completely screwed right now.

No matter how many different surfaces he rubbed his body against, the damned thing still wasn’t coming off. And he had tried everything. The bedposts, the sides of the drawers and the closet, the windowsill, and even the carpet. Nothing had worked.

It was hopeless; everything inside the room was far too smooth for a particularly stubborn shed.

Suddenly, though, he snapped out of his despair, when he felt a scent in the air. Aziraphale’s scent. It was very faint; he could barely sense it from the other side of the door, but it was still there. Aziraphale was clearly hesitating, unsure if he should knock, or leave Crowley alone as he had asked him to do.

Crowley let out the snake equivalent of a sigh. “I know you’re there, angel.”

There was a moment of silence. “Right.” Aziraphale cleared his throat. “Well, in that case, I was just wondering if you’re doing alright. I’m sorry for disturbing you.”

Crowley’s heart ached with the tone of Aziraphale’s voice. It still sounded hurt. And Crowley had done that, he had hurt him, despite it being the last thing he wanted to do.

“You’re not,” he said, but unfortunately there was no way for his voice to come out soft in his snake form. It was just a hiss, and it only had two versions: angry, or seductive. It was safe to say neither suited the current situation.

“Crowley… Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, ju sss t amazing.” He was lying through his teeth—or, well, he supposed fangs would be more suitable in this case—but it was a last ditch effort.

Another long pause, and then Aziraphale spoke again. “Dear, can I come in? I just—I just don’t understand why you’re pushing me away like this. Did I say or do something to offend you? It really wasn’t my intention…”

“No.” Crowley hissed. He didn’t want to talk too much, lest it give his situation away, but he didn’t want Aziraphale to blame himself either. Because he had done nothing wrong.

“Will you let me come in?” Aziraphale tried again.

Crowley didn’t respond. He didn’t want him to, but also, he really wasn’t leaving this room anytime soon because of his stupid tail, and it hurt to think about what kind of things could possibly go through the angel’s mind during that time frame. Not to mention he would probably need help if the skin persisted on not coming off on its own. However, he couldn’t even imagine asking for Aziraphale's help. How would the angel even stomach touching him while he was like this?”

“…if you want to,” he decided in the end.

He could practically feel Aziraphale’s hesitation, probably contemplating if this was an actual permission or not, before there was a soft click, and the door opened with a miracle.

Of course. Crowley had been so stupid as to not even consider that. Locking the door had meant nothing for his futile attempts to keep Aziraphale at bay. He could’ve unlocked it at anytime, and the only reason he hadn’t done so was out of respect for Crowley. The respect which would most likely disappear, after seeing him in such a base condition.

“Crowley..?” The sound of confusion was evident in Aziraphale’s tone as he stepped inside. “Where are you?” Crowley had had half the mind to crawl under the bed before Aziraphale came in. He just wanted to reveal himself in his own time; didn’t want the angel to just enter the room and find a giant snake in his place.

After a few moments, he sucked in a deep breath, and slowly slithered out of his hiding spot. “Here…”

He was so glad he couldn’t see Aziraphale’s expression, he wasn’t sure if he could handle seeing it—though the small gasp that slipped out of the angel told him all he needed to know.

He dared not move, waiting for Aziraphale to say something. Anything. Silence was almost worse than obvious disgust.

“My dear…” Aziraphale began finally, and Crowley flinched at the word. “Were you—were you in this form during the whole time you’ve spent locked in here?”

Instead of verbally replying, Crowley just nodded his current corporation’s head.

“May I ask why?”

Crowley hesitated, but there was no point in hiding, was there? The cat was out of the bag. Or rather, the snake was out in the room. “Shedding.”

The silence that followed the words was the most uncomfortable one of his life. If he could see the look in Aziraphale’s eyes, he would be squirming under his gaze.

“I… didn’t know you shed,” Aziraphale finally said in a careful tone.

Obviously, Crowley wanted to yell. Because I never wanted you to find out! “M’ a sss nake ,” he said instead. “Don’t like it? Don’t sss tay.” Oh, how he wished he had control over his hissing right now.

“Oh, Crowley, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just… a bit surprised, is all.”

If he still had shoulders, Crowley would have shrugged. “Sss’ fine…” He wasn’t too convinced, but didn’t want to argue either. Not right now. Not like this.

“But… does it take longer for you? Do correct me if I’m wrong, but according to the average length of time a snake sheds, you should’ve already been done.”

Crowley hated how clinical it all sounded. Though he supposed it was better than blatant horror. “Would’ve already been done,” Crowley said, before motioning over to his tail with his snout. “Sss tuck.”

“Oh, dear.” Crowley could perfectly picture the look on Aziraphale’s face: eyes widened slightly, and his lips rounded into a small ‘o’. “Do you need me to help?”

“No!” Crowley immediately said, recoiling back to prevent Aziraphale from touching him. “No. I’m handling it.”

“I don’t mean to push you,” came Aziraphale’s voice, soft and patient. “But, dear, it doesn’t look like you’re handling it too well. You can lose your tail from that, you know.”

“Of cour sss e I know!” Crowley snapped, feeling cornered and vulnerable and defenseless. “I’ve been a bloody sss nake for over sss ix thou sss and year sss. Ju sss t sss tay back!” Right now, he would like to have a word with the inventor of the English language, for including so many ‘s’s in it. No consideration of snakes at all, it seemed.

“Alright. Alright, I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to,” Aziraphale conceded. “But can I at least take a look?”

After a moment of consideration, Crowley deflated. What further harm could it do anyway? Aziraphale had already seen what he wasn’t supposed to see. And yet, he was still trying to help Crowley out. Because of his own kind and helpful nature, no doubt. “Go ahead.”

He could hear Aziraphale walking to stand behind him, and crouching to the ground. Though, true to his promise, there was no touching. After some moments of careful examination, Aziraphale spoke again. “Crowley, dearest, I’ll be honest. I don’t think that will come off on its own.”

“Oh, sss o you’re a sssnake expert now?” Crowley said icily. This was humiliating already, being examined like the freak he was.

“Oh, well, no need to be a smartass about it, is there?” Aziraphale sighed, and Crowley could hear him shuffle to stand up. “I can draw you a bath, if you want to? I don’t know if it is big enough, but water would help with softening the skin.”

Crowley considered this. It was either that, or trying in vain for a couple more days and just suffering, before finally having to accept he would lose his tail. “…okay.” He hated how small his voice sounded.

“I’ll leave you alone to just soak, then. But if you still can’t get it off afterwards, please, don’t hesitate to ask for help.”

Crowley just hissed grumpily.

…
In the end, it turned out that Aziraphale’s help was required. Because the stupid thing was still being stubborn. And having the angel trying to gently peel it off without damaging the new skin underneath was quite probably the most humiliating moment of Crowley’s life, and he’d had plenty of those in the last six thousand years.

Now that it was done, Crowley was sitting naked on the bed, finally back to his human form, with a pillow on his lap, as Aziraphale sat next to him. The silence was deafening.

“So,” Crowley began, forcing his voice to come out as neutral as possible. “You can leave now. You’ve helped me enough.”

The only bad thing about finally being done with his shed was that he could see Aziraphale’s face now. And right now, he could only describe the angel’s expression as confused. And then, hurt.

“You… you want me to leave?”

“No– yes… Maybe.” Crowley let out a sigh. “No,” he decided. “But I just thought…” Aziraphale was looking at him expectantly, and he forced himself to keep talking. “I just thought you’d wanna leave.”

“Why on earth would I want such a thing?” There was genuine confusion in Aziraphale’s tone.

“You can’t be serious, angel,” Crowley muttered under his breath. Surely Aziraphale knew what he meant; he didn’t want to say it out loud. “You know very well.”

“No. No, I don’t, sweetheart,” Aziraphale said patiently. “But, please, help me understand.” He reached for Crowley’s hand, but Crowley recoiled back, wrapping his arms defensively around himself.

“You don’t have to force yourself to touch me…” He hated how pathetic his voice sounded, he couldn’t even look Aziraphale in the eye.

“Force myself to—What? Crowley, I don’t know what you’re saying.”

Crowley gritted his teeth. “You know very well,” he hissed. “This! What I am. You can’t tell me you actually want to touch me after seeing me like that.” There. He had said it. He fixed his gaze on a spot on the floor, willing his expression into nonchalance.

“Seeing you like what?” Aziraphale asked, as Crowley stubbornly continued not looking at him. But the small ‘oh’ sound that left the angel’s lips after a few moments was enough to show Crowley that he had understood. “Darling,” Aziraphale began softly. “You can’t possibly be thinking that your snake form bothers me.”

Crowley did think that, but he also didn’t really know what to think, because Aziraphale didn’t really seem disgusted by him, unless he'd gotten miraculously good at acting without Crowley realizing. He just shrugged. “Why not?”

Aziraphale took a deep breath, and reached for his hand again. This time, Crowley did flinch, but didn’t pull himself away. “It doesn’t.”

“It… doesn’t?” Crowley’s voice shook despite his best attempts. He just wasn’t sure what to believe. He wanted to believe it, but it just didn’t make sense. He was a snake. Damned. Aziraphale had seen him in the form God had cursed him to take. On your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat, all the days of your life.

“No,” Aziraphale said with great certainty. “It doesn’t. Whatever form you have, it can’t possibly bother me.” He reached for Crowley’s chin, tilting his head gently to the side to make him look at him, caressing his cheek with his thumb. And Crowley let him. “Look at me, dear. I think you look absolutely lovely in every one of your forms.”

Crowley stopped breathing for a moment, trying to process the words. He forced his gaze to stay on Aziraphale, searching for a sign of a lie in the gray-blue eyes. He found none.

“Is that why you’ve locked yourself up in here for days?” Aziraphale asked carefully, when it became obvious that Crowley wouldn’t be breaking his silence. “Because you thought I wouldn’t like seeing you in that form?”

Crowley didn’t respond, but he did avert his eyes in shame, not being able to look directly at Aziraphale.

“Oh, Crowley…” Aziraphale let out a soft breath, and Crowley couldn’t bear seeing the look in his eyes. So, he didn’t look. “Can I hold you, my dear?“

Crowley almost couldn’t believe he was hearing it correctly. Aziraphale wasn’t appalled, and he even wanted to hold him. He just nodded silently.

It was a rush of immediate love and warmth, when Aziraphale pulled him closer, and wrapped his arms around his frame. Crowley buried his face into his neck, shutting his eyes tightly, feeling so open and vulnerable.

“I’m sorry I made you feel like you needed to hide yourself from me,” Aziraphale whispered. “I’m truly sorry. It’s all my fault–“

“No!” Crowley cut him off immediately, pulling away from the hug to look at Aziraphale. “Not your fault. It’s nothing to do with you.”

“My dear, you were obviously struggling, and even then you didn’t ask for help. Were you going to come to me, if I hadn’t done so first?”

Guiltily, Crowley shook his head. “I was handling it–“

“No, you weren’t. You could’ve lost your tail. I must have not made you feel like you could share everything with me,” Aziraphale said sadly. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no no.” This was wrong, all wrong. It wasn’t because Aziraphale hadn’t made him feel safe, but because he just hated his snake form. And it was embarrassing, and he had thought Aziraphale would despise it as much as he despised it himself. “I don’t—I don’t know how to explain it. Doesn’t make sense in my head either. But it’s not about you. Not really. Don’t blame yourself.” When he thought Aziraphale would be disgusted, it wasn’t due to his lack of trust in the angel, but his own insecurities. He just didn’t know how to put it into words.

“Well, whatever it is about, then, I’m trusting you to be honest with me whenever you need help with something, okay? And I’ll be there for you.”

Crowley was glad. Glad that Aziraphale wasn’t pushing him to talk about this. And also glad to be loved by such an amazing being. Didn’t he owe at least an apology, and a bit of honesty to the angel, after everything?

“I’m sorry I pushed you away.”

Aziraphale smiled. “I forgive you.”

The words made Crowley feel warm, but also increased the feeling of stabbing, suffocating guilt. “I’ve been mean to you.”

“A little bit,” Aziraphale conceded. “But you had your reasons. Whatever those reasons may be.”

Crowley looked at the ground, chewing on his bottom lip. Whatever those reasons may be. Well… “I hate it,” he said almost inaudibly. He waited for Aziraphale’s reaction, but when nothing came besides an encouraging silence, he kept going. “I hate this. Constantly being reminded of what I am. Demon. Snake. The original tempter. All the things She made me be. I didn’t want you to see it, and be reminded of it too.”

When no reply came, he dared a glance in Aziraphale’s direction, seeing a sad smile on the angel’s face.

“But, Crowley, I’ve never forgotten what you are. I know you’re a demon.”

Crowley winced.

“Oh, no! I didn’t mean it like that.” Aziraphale’s eyes widened in horror. “What I mean is that I don’t love you despite what you are, my dear. I love you because of what you are. You’re just the nicest, loveliest, sweetest snake I’ve ever seen, and I love you for it.”

Normally, Crowley would go on a whole tirade about how he wasn’t nice, and that nice was a four-letter word that he wasn’t, but right now, the words just filled his heart with tender warmth; Aziraphale’s love engulfing him.

“Love you too…” he muttered, and there definitely weren’t tears glistening in his eyes.

Aziraphale placed a gentle kiss on his cheek, and Crowley could feel the soft smile against his skin.

…
“But for how long have you been shedding your skin?” Aziraphale asked, after Crowley’s spirits had risen a little, and they were cuddling on the bed, the angel’s hand running soothingly through his red curls.

“Oh, you know, a few times a year since the beginning of time,” Crowley mumbled, relaxed, as he buried his face against Aziraphale’s chest. “Imagine my shock the first time it happened.”

“Since the beginning of time? And I never knew!”

Crowley shrugged. “Made sure of that. It was embarrassing.”

Aziraphale stayed silent for a moment, almost as if considering the words. “No,” he said finally. “No. I rather think it’s something amazing. Your skin rejuvenates itself every few months. Don’t you think it’s a marvel of nature?”

Crowley thought about it. He hadn’t really considered the natural aspect of it. He thought nothing of the other, non-demonic, snakes shedding, didn’t he?

“I guess,” he said in the end.

It wouldn’t be easy, just erasing thousands of years worth of thoughts and feelings. He couldn’t just start loving every aspect of himself as if it was the simplest thing in the world. But with Aziraphale by his side, with someone who did love every aspect of him, maybe one day he would be able to do it too.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I love it!

Very sweet

[holrose]

This was so sweet. Poor Crowley. I was glad he opened up to Aziraphale in the end and got a good cuddle.

[(Anonymous)]

stubborn angel is stubborn. and blames himself.
and of course the snake cannot let this stand.
yep. that's them. good job!

[maniacalmole]

“There was silence from behind the door, and then a hushed ‘sorry’ a few moments later, before fading footsteps were heard.” Noooo!
“Right now, he would like to have a word with the inventor of the English language, for including so many ‘s’s in it. No consideration of snakes at all, it seemed.” XD
The last line is really lovely! This is such a nice hurt/comfort fic :)