Happy Holidays, 05Mei_ran!

[goe_mod]

Title: Going out
Rating: G
Summary: Crowley had never met anyone like Aziraphale, someone able to understand all of Crowley-specific issues. Perhaps he even felt something more for his angelic flatmate. The problem was, he only realized this once Aziraphale went on a date. Which he'd suggested.

Crowley knew what he had to do. He thought about it at length, ruminating, trying to ignore the way his mind came to insane possible conclusions. He even sat down to write some lists, despite the way he usually hated them. He talked about this with Nina and Maggie, who both agreed also.

It didn’t make him any less nervous.

What if he ruined everything? What if he lost Aziraphale? He couldn’t imagine his life without him; his best friend, someone who understood him more than he could have previously imagined. If it all fell apart, he’d have to look for a new flat, find some new ways to cope with problems, and he would never see his sunny, beautiful smile ever again.

Perhaps this was a bad idea after all? So what if he was in love with his best friend, the best person he ever knew? Aziraphale didn’t need to know. What were the chances that he actually felt the same way? 

“Angel, Aziraphale” he murmured, “We’ve known each other for a long time-”

He shook his head.

“No, it’s not working. Something else, gotta start with something else.”

What words could he find to express everything that Aziraphale meant to him? Anything he came up with wasn’t enough. He needed a true masterpiece, a work of art worthy of someone as great as his angel of a best friend.

He sighed and closed his eyes. The flat was too quiet without the sound of Aziraphale’s footsteps. The silence rang in Crowley’s ears like an alarm, warning him that the love of his life was about to be lost to him forever. He tried not to imagine him with his date, laughing in his usual endearing way. The worst part was, it was his own damn fault, all of it. He had to suggest that going out could help distract Aziraphale for the day. 

With his head thrown back, light curls shining under the lights of some restaurant. 

“You get me, angel. Me and you, we’ve defeated all the issues we had between us. You’ve supported me in a way no one has ever supported me. I’d like it if we continued to support each other in our everyday lives.”

Better!

He groaned loudly, exhaustion carrying him away like a strong stream. Where would he be now without such an angel in his life?

***

He had trouble breathing. His legs carried him around the flat on their own. He had already wiped the countertop, did the dishes and started watering his plants. The problem was he now had a dustcloth in one hand, a plant mister in the other, and he couldn’t remember what his next steps where supposed to be. Should he put one of the things down first? He should take a look inside of their fridge, make sure that nothing in there should go to trash. He took a step in the direction of the fridge but realized that he still had to put something down first.

“Fuck,” he gritted through his teeth. Their friends were arriving in two hours and he had no idea what to do with himself.

“Crowley?” Aziraphale’s voice came from behind him and he turned around quickly. He really hoped his friend hadn’t witnessed his frantic pacing around.

“Angel! Hi!”

He did everything in his power to look casual. He tried to put his hands on his hips but the movement almost made the plant mister clatter to the floor.

“What’s going on?”

In a few moments, Crowley felt Aziraphale’s warm palms rest on his shoulders. The warmth grounded him a little, bringing him down to the Earth.

“I’m-” Crowley sighed, annoyed. “I can’t do anything. I wanted to water the plants but then I realized I have to finish dusting the shelves. Now I realized I should also take care of the trash and-”

“Crowley, my dear,” Aziraphale squeezed his shoulders. “Breathe, please.”

Crowley forced himself to take a deep breath.

“Perfect. Now, please tell me, what is it that you have to do? The flat looks perfectly clean to me.”

Crowley raised an eyebrow, not quite believing how blind to the mess around them his flatmate could be.

“Alright,” Aziraphale sighed “We… might have different standards. My question still stands.”

Crowley breathed out slowly through his nose, trying to remember what it was he had to do.

“I should make sure everything in the fridge is clean, finish dusting the shelves and water the rest of the plants.”

Aziraphale nodded slowly, considering something. “Then how about you put down that plant mister for now?”

Crowley did so without a second thought, longing to leave the overwhelm behind him.

“Good! Let’s focus on dusting the shelves now.”

A hand free, Crowley made quick work of the kitchen shelves. Aziraphale’s suggestions worked their magic and soon the fridge was sorted and the plants watered. 

“God, angel, you really are an angel,” Crowley admitted without a thought. Any embarrassment disappeared at seeing Aziraphale smile.

***

Now, he was alone in the apartment, heartbeat speeding and time slowing down around him, boiling him in anxiety.

Everything seemed easier in the beginning. It was easy to flirt with an attractive angel down the hall. Easy to call him “angel” in the first place. The nickname became Crowley’s downfall now - every time Aziraphale’s eyes lit up hearing it, every time the corners of Aziraphale’s lips turned up. 

He would’ve never agreed to living together if Crowley knew how much suffering it would bring.

(It was a lie. He’d always agree. He’d always fall for Aziraphale, too, even if the circumstances were different. Perhaps it was all the romance movies Crowley secretly liked but he was convinced of it.)

***

It’d been a chaotic day for Crowley. It turned out that starting his own business required a lot of work. He spent all his morning taking calls, making calls, looking through documents and consulting Nina on matters regarding owning a business.

When he got out of the elevator, his feet felt like they were made of lead and his head was ready to explode. The sight he was greeted with, though, erased all of his troubles like a miracle.

“Hey there, angel!”

His neighbour rolled his eyes at the nickname. He sighed with exasperation but the softness in his smile made it sound rather fond.

“Hello, Crowley.” he greeted, while watching Crowley struggle to insert the key into his own apartment door opposite his own. Why did his hand never want to cooperate when doing that? 

He groaned in frustration as yet another key turned out to not be the one he was looking for. He cleared his throat and turned around when he heard Aziraphale’s muted chuckle.

“Oi, laugh at a bloke having an existential crisis, why won’t you!”

Crowley’s sneer wasn’t probably very convincing but he could surely be excused. Despite seeing his favourite neighbour, the pounding in his head didn’t want to go away. Surely teasing him would help? It usually helped, whenever he was feeling lost in the current of overwhelm.

“Why are you standing in front of your flat? Were you waiting for me so you could make fun of me? Why, I’m flattered to be that interesting.”

Aziraphale pursed his lips, then sighed. This wasn’t a reaction Crowley was expecting. His mood for banter took the backseat, slight worry taking over.

“Ah, no, I’m afraid I wasn’t waiting for you.” Aziraphale said sheepishly. He looked like he was contemplating whether he should continue. “Gabriel- you know, my brother? He’s moving out and I’m simply… helping.”

“By staring at the empty corridor?” Crowley asked with a smirk.

Aziraphale rolled his eyes, though he did bite his lips, staring off in the distance for a moment.

“I suppose I’m just… contemplating.”

Crowley raised his eyebrows, waiting to see if his neighbour would say something more. Perhaps he could ease the pain of someone else, at least?

“You see, I’m happy that he’s found someone for himself and that they’re moving in together, I really am. God knows that while I love my brother, he and I weren’t always the most compatible of flatmates. However, now I’ll have to find someone else to live with me. Sadly, I can’t afford the rent by myself.”

“Oh,” Crowley nodded. He could relate a lot, actually. “That is problematic. I’ll have to probably soon move myself, so I can definitely relate.”

“Move?” Aziraphale raised his eyebrows. “Has something happened?”

Something in the tone of his voice hinted at genuine sadness at the news. It couldn’t be, though. They barely knew each other, Crowley wouldn’t exactly call them friends, even if Aziraphale had some great potential for becoming one. 

He winced. Was Crowley ready to embarrass himself by sharing the news? Most of his friends said that his decision was way too irresponsible. Something about Aziraphale had always made him feel safe, though, so he sighed and took a leap of faith.

“Yeah, so I, uh- may have quit my job.”

Aziraphale looked at Crowley, mouth agape.

“Have you?”

“Yup. I just… couldn’t deal with that company, you know. The people, the pressure, the deadlines… I realized it wasn’t very… healthy for me.”

Here came the judgement, surely.

Except it didn’t.

“Oh, that surely makes sense.” Aziraphale said instead, sounding sympathetic. “You have been looking more tired lately.”

“Looking at me, were you, angel?” Crowley grinned, words as always out of his mouth before he could rein himself in.

“Oh, stop it!”

Crowley grinned but soon sighed, the weight from the previous moment squeezing his shoulders harshly.

“Well, I decided to, uh, open my own business.”

“Really?” Aziraphale asked, leaning in Crowley’s direction. He seemed genuinely interested, so Crowley risked sharing even more details. 

“A flower shop,” he admitted, “always wanted one.”

“Oh, how nice! That sounds great.”

A small smile appeared on Crowley’s face. Why did he ever think Aziraphale would be like everyone else? His support made his heart flutter weirdly.

“I am excited. Except now that I don’t have a steady income, I won’t really be able to afford my entire flat. I’ll have to find something smaller. Or-”

A spark appeared in his eyes and a realization hit Aziraphale as well.

“Or find a flatmate.” he finished.

They stood like that for a moment, both contemplating. Crowley’s pulse sped up, excitement lifting the headache.

It surely couldn’t be this easy though, right?

“Uh, are you suggesting what I… think you might be suggesting? 'Cause I’m not sure you’d like me to live with you? We don’t know each other all that well.”

Aziraphale bit his lip, seemingly pondering for a moment but soon he slowly shrugged.

“Perhaps. However, the alternative is finding someone I don’t know at all.”

“Ah, better the devil you know” Crowley grinned.

“Oh stop it, you fiend.”

“See?”

Aziraphale sighed but apparently couldn’t stop himself from smiling just a little.

“Well, devil, would you be amenable to discussing this possible arrangement?”

“Well, why not? You need to find a flatmate quickly and I need to find a new place to live even quicker. It would definitely be easier to move across the hall than to a completely new neighbourhood entirely.”

***

The door clicked and Crowley jumped up.

Aziraphale walked in quietly, possibly in case his flatmate was already asleep. Always considerate. Always maddeningly perfect.

Despite the turmoil squeezing his heart, Crowley still took this moment to admire his best friend. His nose was adorably tinted with some pink from the cold, curls ruffled by wind. His usual combination of a bow-tie and a worn coat illuminated the dark corridor.

Aziraphale’s gaze found him and Crowley wanted to trace the wrinkles that grew around his eyes when he smiled.

“How- How was it?”

Great job, you moron. Way to sound uninterested.

“Oh, hello Crowley” Aziraphale greeted, gentle delight in his voice at seeing his friend. Oh, if he only knew! “Are you quite alright, my dear?”

“Yes! Perfectly fine! Do you want tea? I’ll make you some tea.”

Crowley jumped off the couch and sprinted into their kitchen. Words of a confession burnt his tongue, leaving a bitter aftertaste. He couldn’t say anything now. His friend was surely cold, right? He needed something to warm him up first. Then he’d express all of his thoughts.

Aziraphale froze with his mouth half-open and eyes narrowed, but he eventually nodded after Crowley turned around to ask what tea he’d like.

“Thank you, my dear. You don’t have to but I would love a black one with some milk.”

In the kitchen, Crowley rummaged through the drawers, going through the motions of preparing tea. His thoughts moved around his head loudly, his own voice screaming at him to get it over with and just tell the angel.

He opened one of the cupboards and his heart jumped to his throat at the sight of white and black mugs standing next to each other. Side by side, the balance about to be destroyed soon, just like now as Crowley grabbed the white one, leaving the black mug in the darkness to wallow in its sadness.

The sound of the water boiling brought him out of his negative loop for a moment, and once the drink was ready, he made his way back to the living room again.

Aziraphale accepted the mug with a happy wiggle and Crowley was hit again with a wave of guilt. He was about to ruin this calm; anger the waters with his stupid lovesickness.

“So, will you be doing this again?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

Please say no, angel, he thought. Please say that you’ll never go on another date again. Please say I’m the only one for you.

“I think so” Aziraphale said instead. “It was a good idea, my dear, just what I needed to get out of my head.”

The words hit Crowley like an arrow, piercing and sharp. His throat tightened.

So he was too late, was he?

He would never hold happiness against Aziraphale, but he couldn’t help the bitterness that filled his lungs painfully at the thought that he could find it with someone who wasn’t him.

“Oh?” Crowley asked, praying to every god he could think of that his voice wasn’t too shaky.

Aziraphale took a sip of the tea, sighing happily. Usually, the sound would make Crowley feel happy for being the source of it, but now, all he could focus on was the way his heart bled, torn to shreds.

“So?” Crowley hated himself for asking. “Is there something more?”

“More? What do you mean, my dear?”

Did he really have to be so oblivious? Crowley would’ve hated him for it if he didn’t love him so damn much.

“You know. Between the two of you.”

Aziraphale raised an eyebrow questioningly, putting the mug away on the coffee table.

“I’m afraid I’m rather lost, right now. What exactly do you mean?”

Crowley whined, frustration painfully bitter. He felt like something was clawing out of his stomach.

Something must have finally shown on his face, some breadcrumbs of everything boiling inside of him.

“Crowley? What’s wrong?”

“Angel, I- I can’t do this anymore.”

This was it, then. This was the moment the world ended.

“Do what? Crowley, my dear, is there something wrong? Do you need something? A glass of water?”

The gentleness of his voice made everything feel more wrong somehow. Why was his friend worried for Crowley right now if it was Crowley himself ruining everything, turning their relationship into dust with his destructive fingertips?

“Would you stop being so bloody perfect all the time!”

***

On the first Saturday morning, Crowley was ready to sleep in, tired after he'd spent the previous day dragging plants around. He planned to sleep perhaps until ten or eleven.

His plans were thwarted by the sound of a piano coming from the living room.

He couldn’t ignore it. He groaned and got up from the bed.

“Aziraphale?” he mumbled, his voice still hoarse from sleep.

He was sitting on the couch, little glasses on his face. Despite being angry, Crowley couldn’t help but find the sight adorable.

“Oh, Crowley!” Aziraphale startled, looking at Crowley with eyes widened. “You’re- uh, you’re still in your pajamas.”

Crowley only now realized what he was wearing. He felt his face getting warm. Maybe he should think of wearing something more than an old Queen t-shirt and boxers to bed, now that there was someone else in the flat? He could swear Aziraphale muttered something that sounded like ‘Good Lord’.

“Uh, listen- could you- Do you need to listen to music right now?”

Aziraphale opened his mouth and froze, eyebrows furrowing like he’d only now realized what he was doing.

“Oh, I’m sorry dear boy. It’s simply… I always listen to some music on weekend mornings.”

Crowley could understand a habit. However, he still needed sleep.

Aziraphale looked guilty and that didn’t help matters.

“Listen, could you perhaps turn it down a little?”

Aziraphale looked guilty, looking down. Should Crowley be demanding things so soon after moving in?

Then an idea struck him.

“I’m sure we could work out a compromise. I could get you some headphones,” Crowley suggested, raising an eyebrow to hear Aziraphale’s thoughts. “They’re wireless. You should be able to listen to all the classical music your angelic heart desires.”

“We could try, of course,” Aziraphale nodded. “I have to admit, I’ve never considered getting anything like that but I’m absolutely willing to try.”

Crowley was already making plans in his head. Maybe if Aziraphale found using headphones comfortable enough, he could get some new ones for him?

***

“Crowley. Please tell me what’s wrong. I have to admit I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Why would there be something between Maggie and me?”

Aziraphale still hadn’t stopped sounding concerned. What usually felt like a warm, cozy blanket, now began to weigh too much, stifling Crowley. His words also made no sense? Maggie? Why was he talking about their friend right now?

“Maggie? Why were you meeting Maggie? Did you cancel the date?”

Contradictory feelings were fighting in his lungs right now. The roots of strange, desperate hope started to grow but they’d never survive overwatering with panic.

“A date? You suggested I go out so I- Oh.” Aziraphale’s eyes widened and it would have looked comical under any other circumstances. “Oh dear. Did you mean going on a date when you said I should go out?”

Crowley simply groaned, his face burning. God, was he embarrassing himself for nothing? Was he really not about to lose Aziraphale?

It was too late now, though. He’d already summoned the storm and his heart was overflowing with all the unsaid words he'd tried to keep a lid on for the past few months.

“Crowley, would you please tell me what is wrong?” Aziraphale whispered. Crowley hated the gentleness; he didn’t deserve it. “Has something happened? Are you overwhelmed with work? Do you need any reassurance? Did someone upset you?”

Once again, Crowley wanted to scream at how perfect the angel was. No matter what happened, he made sure he asked the right questions, that he could provide his support. The sweetness of it turned into bile in Crowley’s throat.

“God, I’m in love with you angel, alright?”

There was ringing in his ears. Paralyzed, he observed Aziraphale opening and closing his mouth. It was surreal to watch him unable to find words. He did that. Turned the angel speechless and not in the way he’d always dreamt of.

Crowley hid his face in his hands.

Everything was over. There was no going back from this. Unless he could learn how to erase memories really quickly, it was the end of all the peace and surface happiness.

Suddenly, he felt a touch on his back, the point of unexpected warmth startling him.

“My dear… did you really- Did you mean that?”

Crowley forced himself to look at the angel. It felt like the hardest thing he’d ever done. 

“Of course I meant it, angel.” His voice wavered but he pushed through. It was the least he could do after putting their friendship into a shredder. “I’m- I’m really sorry if I made you uncomfortable, alright? I can move out. Yes. I can- just let me-”

His vision blurred, throat squeezing painfully. Was he breathing? He wasn’t sure. Didn’t care.

He was ready to stand up but Aziraphale grabbed his hand.

“Crowley, please, breathe, my dear. Don’t be ridiculous.”

Crowley wanted to argue but Aziraphale looked at him firmly so he sat down. He wasn’t sure why. All of the conversation was pointless, anyway. 

“Are you feeling better now?”

Crowley looked at him pathetically. It was difficult to produce any sound at all with the hand of devastation wrapped tightly around his throat.

“I don’t know” he whispered. “It depends on how much you hate me right now.”

“Crowley. My dear. I could never hate you.”

***

“Crowley?” Aziraphale asked as soon as he walked into the kitchen. “Did you forget to do the dishes?”

That got Crowley’s attention. He unglued his eyes from the laptop screen, heart in his throat as he realized that he did, in fact, forget to do the dishes.

“Shit! I’m so sorry!”

He tried to get up, tangled his legs in some cables and finally stood up after freeing himself. 

“And did you remember to take the chicken out of the freezer? I sent you a text message earlier.”

Crowley groaned loudly.

“Goddammit… Angel, I am so sorry! I swear I meant to do all of this. Nina called and then I forgot about everything cause I remembered I gotta do this thing… Shit, I can’t believe I forgot.”

How could he be this much of a disappointment? The worst flatmate ever, that’s him. It had reality show potential.

He didn’t even notice when his breath quickened or when he sank back to the couch, hiding his face in his hands.

“Hey, Crowley, it’s alright. I’m sure we can figure out how to make sure we both remember about the things we ask each other for.”

“I am so sorry, Aziraphale,” Crowley repeated pathetically.

The space next to him on the couch sunk under the weight of Aziraphale sitting down.

“Crowley, my dear-”

“You must hate me, angel. I’m so sorry!”

“Crowley,” a hand landed on his arm and squeezed. “I could never hate you. We both have things we have to deal with, sometimes. I’m sure we can find a way to deal with this.

“You’re a treasure, angel.” Crowley muttered, too panicked to worry about being too honest. “Seriously. Best flatmate ever.”

***

Aziraphale put his hands on Crowley’s face. The sudden gesture made his head spin, confusion clouding his mind.

“You surprised me, I have to admit.”

Crowley couldn’t help snorting. Of course it surprised Aziraphale. The intensity surprised even Crowley himself. The humor left him quickly, however, as he remembered the circumstances he was in.

“So,” he swallowed, “do you want me to move out?”

Aziraphale sighed and put his hand on Crowley’s wrist. He didn’t use much pressure but the message was clear. If Aziraphale wanted him to stay, he would. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for his best friend.

“Please let me continue, Crowley”

Crowley sighed but nodded. His spine felt weirdly rigid. He couldn’t settle comfortably.

“I’m surprised but- I’m actually glad you told me, my dear.”

“You are?”

Crowley asked with a squeak he’d never admit to. Perhaps the friendship wouldn’t be as ruined as he was afraid? Perhaps Aziraphale at least appreciated the honesty?

As nice as the thought was, he wasn’t sure he could take it if he saw pity on Aziraphale’s gentle face. He deserved none of it. Why couldn’t he have kept his stupid heart in check?

He opened his mouth to apologize…

“Crowley, I feel the same.”

…and closed it.

Was he hallucinating? Could one hallucinate due to stress, was that a thing a person could experience?

He blinked a couple of times.

“You do?”

He was dreaming. This was the only explanation, if his hallucination theory wasn’t true.

They looked at each other for a moment.

How could Crowley believe that this was happening, that this was real? It had to be a trick, perhaps a sign that the dimension was melting together with a different one.

But there was nothing but softness in Aziraphale’s ocean-deep eyes. Nothing but seriousness in the corners of his lips raising tentatively.

Slowly, like they were underwater, a soft, manicured palm touched Crowley’s neck and brought him closer until no space remained between their mouths. 

It was unbearably gentle, each of Aziraphale’s gestures. The way he nipped softly on Crowley’s bottom lip, the way his hand carded through his hair. He felt like he was one of Aziraphale’s vintage books, handled with all the care he never thought he’d be deserving of.

He kept his eyes closed for a moment, even after they pulled apart. He was breathing hard, head filled with a light haze. 

“You really like me… back?” he whispered.

The space between them felt fragile and strong at the same time, like they were floating on gentle waters and yet locked themselves away in a fortress made out of intimacy.

Aziraphale smiled, his eyes bright.

“Crowley, I think I’ve realized I love you when you first calmed me down when I couldn’t handle my hands getting sticky, instead of laughing at me or telling me it’s weird.”

“I’d never do that to you!” Crowley exclaimed, appalled. He could never imagine anyone treating his angel in such a way.

“I know that. Because you’re a very kind-”

“Now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves”

Aziraphale rolled his eyes but squeezed Crowley’s shoulders at the same time, like he wasn’t ready to let him go.

“I believe I now have the means to make you take a compliment”

Crowley blushed. He would never admit that was what happened, though.

***

Their life together didn’t get any easier, no. There were still days filled with frustration, where Crowley made the two of them leave late due to missing keys or a phone. Aziraphale still had problems when he tried to cook for them both and couldn’t handle the texture of flour on his hands. Sometimes one of them wouldn’t be able to spend an evening watching TV and had to shut himself inside of his room, cut away from all possible stimuli.

They were always there for each other, however, as they’d been before. The difference was that now their reassurances for each other were sometimes interspersed with soft kisses. Now, when one of them had to stay in bed for the whole day, the other would sometimes join (Aziraphale was the best weighted blanket, in Crowley’s opinion).

Even on days when both of them felt alone, if Aziraphale had to cancel their date which in Crowley’s mind quickly turned into full-blown, bitter rejection, they found a way to communicate. It was the two of them against the world and sometimes, indeed, against their own minds.

Having no secrets between each other worked miracles.

Comments

Beautiful!

[holrose]

I loved this, the way in which these two gentle people support each other through the problems they both have because of their neurodivergence is so perfect and touching. Such a gentle story that really warmed my heart.

05Mei_ran

[(Anonymous)]

Sorry can't figure out my log in.

I loved it so much!!!!💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

[maniacalmole]

"“You get me, angel. Me and you, we’ve defeated all the issues we had between us. You’ve supported me in a way no one has ever supported me. I’d like it if we continued to support each other in our everyday lives.”" Well that's LOVELY actually!

Oh my gosh Crowley dithering with all the chores he's trying to do all at once--I have BEEN THERE buddy! Only so many hands to hold things!

“Ah, better the devil you know” and Aziraphale immediately calling him 'fiend' XD

"The space between them felt fragile and strong at the same time, like they were floating on gentle waters." Nice!

How sweet and gentle ^_^