Happy Holidays, Aviss!

[vulgarweed.livejournal.com]

Title: Flaws in Science
Author: A Holiday Ninja
Rating: PG-13ish
Pairing: references to Adam/Pepper
Prompt: aviss mentioned enjoying angst, the Them, and Anathema. I sat down and folded these items together while listening to Snow Patrol/Martha Wainwright's "Set the Fire to the Third Bar", from which the title is taken. I hope this is something like what you were looking for, aviss! Happy (angsty?) holidays! And an ENORMOUS thank you to my super-last-minute super-heroine beta tenshinokira. <3



The pub where I was meeting Adam was more dimly lit than most. The rainy grey light outside was feeble enough without having to struggle through smoke-grimed windows. It was the sort of place I'd been expecting, really, and Adam was hunkered at a table where I might've expected to find him: in the back, out of the way, mostly hidden from view. A good place to brood.

"You're a little far from home," I told him, sliding into the seat across from him and shrugging out of my jacket.

He just stared at me for a long few seconds, apparently trying to place me, then gave a little snort. "I'm kind of perpetually a little far from home," he said darkly, and then his manner softened. "What are you doing here, Anathema?"

I gave him a little smile, stretching out and propping my feet in his bench, just to the left of him. "Could ask you the same question."

He smiled back, then pointedly looked around the dive. "Perfectly good pub."

"Mm-hm. And perfectly good company. I'm here to talk to you."

"How did you find me here?" He looked a little perplexed, which was a strange expression on him.

I shrugged a little. "Just had a feeling." He raised an eyebrow at me, and I laughed. "I wouldn't personally go so far as to call it a prediction. But sometimes I know I'm...needed somewhere."

He shook his head at me. "That's mothers' intuition gotten completely out of hand."

"At least I come by it honest." I lightly patted my swelling tumm. "Pepper wrote me. She's worried about you."

I watched his face shutter abruptly. He turned and stared out the rain-streaked window. "She needn't be," he replied, clipped.

"She has no idea where you've gone, does she." It really wasn't a question; she hadn't told me so expressly in her letter, but Pepper was not the most subtle of communicators. "You might at least tell your best friend that you've skipped town, Adam."

He glanced at me sharply, his eyes too-piercing. He knew I was right and didn't want to admit it.

"Will you tell me where you're planning to go?"

He gave a one-shouldered shrug. "Haven't exactly decided yet. Doesn't make much difference."

For the first time since I'd put on my coat and left the house, I was starting to feel like maybe coming had been a bad idea. I'd only come because something was so clearly going on with Adam. I wasn't exactly close with him or any of his friends, but I'd sort of become Pepper's personal counselor since she'd started at university and her parents had decided to go on a grand tour of the world's botanical gardens or somesuch. She wasn't really on the same wavelength as anyone else in the village. Most of the time she wasn't on my wavelength either - I was pretty sure she had her own frequency all to herself - but I tried to listen anyway.

As expected throughout their youth, she and Adam had become an item as teenagers, and had been on-again, off-again ever since. But the off-agains had always been Pepper's call; when she'd spent a term in France, for instance, or the summer she'd done volunteer work in the Balkans. Adam never really seemed too bothered when he and Pep were off. He'd just waited patiently for her at home in Lower Tadfield, and when she returned, they would pick back up where they left off. Adam never much cared about school; I'd got the sense he mostly stayed in because otherwise he wouldn't get to see Pepper as much. When she decided to go to Cambridge, Adam went with her.

But this wasn't one of their usual breaks, it was clear. This time, Adam was the one who'd up and walked away, all without so much as informing Pepper ahead of time. He'd ended up calling her from some public telephone in London, saying he was thinking of finding work in town, real work, not running the cash register at the video rental below their flat, which was what he'd very happily been doing for two and a half years now. Pepper's letter had all the hallmarks of having been penned by someone trying to stay calm, and thus had not been very calm at all. I was worried about her. I was worried about both of them. I'd thought, when I'd had the sudden feeling that I would find Adam at a pub in London, that I might go talk some sense into him, or at least figure out what was going on in his inscrutable head now, whether this would be another of his wild quests in the pursuit of global betterment or whatever his cause of the week happened to be. But his stony face and uncommunicative answers were beginning to make me seriously doubt my abilities as a guide for wayward youth.

After a long, awkward silence, though, he sighed and looked at me. His eyes were a little haunted, and he suddenly looked very, very old. "Why are you here, Anathema?" he asked again. "Pepper...she'll. She'll be alright without me. She will." He sounded a lot like he was trying to convince himself. I frowned.

"But...why?" I asked.

Suddenly he grew animated, shoving his hands in the pockets of his hooded sweatshirt and leaning over the table toward me, eyes intense. "D'you ever wonder about her, Anathema? Why she always comes back to me? Some do-nothing dog-walker who couldn't even fake enough interest in school to make it a single term?"

"...Dog-walker?" I said, making sure to keep from my face any indication that I had ever entertained such thoughts about Pepper's inexplicable devotion to someone who generally didn't seem to try very hard to deserve her. "I thought you ran the till at--"

He waved me off. "I quit. Didn't tell Pep." He sighed. "My boss tried to give me a raise just because I told him to have a nice day. That was the last straw."

The look I gave him must have been strange because his lips quirked like he was trying not to smile. "Isn't...a raise a good thing?" I asked, confused. His smile dissolved instantly.

"Not like that, it's not!" he said vehemently, turning angry with the mercurial suddenness that typified his moods. "He did it 'cause he didn't have a choice, and that's...that's not right."

"You've lost me, Adam."

He scrubbed his hands through his hair. "Everybody, they do things for me because they have to. 'Cause I make 'em. And I'm just sick of it. I can't do it anymore. I can't do that to Pepper, anymore."

Now I was really worried. Adam got some strange ideas into his pretty blond head sometimes, but they were usually ideas about how to most effectively save the whales or the rainforest. Even when he wasn't happy, he was motivated, passionate about changing the way things were or the way people thought. I'd never heard this tone out of him before.

"Pepper's a smart girl," I told him, because if nothing else, that was certainly true, "and she can look out for herself. I trust her to know what she's doing with you."

"That's because you don't know what I'm capable of."

"Well, are you interested in enlightening me, or are we going to go back and forth like this a few dozen more times? Because I'm not a mind-reader, Adam. Or, well. Not like that. You have to give me something, here."

He looked at me, really looked at me like he was trying to work out whether or not I was up to a task he wanted to set me. He must have found whatever he was looking for, because after a moment of that, he slumped backward with a little sigh and nodded.

He blinked once.

"Oh," I said.

Just like that, I knew. Or, remembered, I guess. It was a little like getting back pieces of a dream I'd forgotten and tried really hard, and unsuccessfully, to remember. In the end, I only said, "Oh," again, and then nodded back at Adam, because, really, in the scheme of my life, it wasn't all that bizarre.

"So you're...?"

"Guess I still am. Suppose 'Antichrist' is just the job description, but 'Son of Satan' is actually a state of being. Hereditary, you could say."

I rubbed my arms a little, not particularly cold, just...feeling my place in the universe a lot more acutely, all of a sudden.

"So...what, you influence people, then?"

He nodded, mouth a thin line, and stared out the window again, where it was getting precipitously darker as the afternoon slipped away.

"And..." I took what seemed to be the logical step. "You think you're making Pepper love you, somehow?"

He didn't respond except to tighten his jaw a little more.

I couldn't help it; I laughed. He jumped a little at the sound and looked at me like I'd just declared myself the Antichrist.

"Adam, that's the most ludicrous thing I have ever...are we talking about the same Pepper? The Pepper who, last time I saw you two together - guess that was Christmas two years ago? - she told you to go fuck yourself when you told her to bring you a glass of punch?" I raised an eyebrow at him. He sighed, a tad melodramatically, possibly, but then Adam was a bit given to melodrama. Considering what I now knew about his situation, I couldn't exactly blame him, but still.

He shook his head at me. "It's gotten...worse, since then. Stronger. Every year. Do you know, I...do you want to know the real reason I quit my job at the shop? When Bill tried to give me that raise, that evening I went upstairs and I just thought...you know, I could tell Bill, or anybody I worked with, or any of my friends, to go lay down on the train tracks and wait to die." There wasn't a hint of a smile in his voice, and my own faltered and fell away. "And they would do it. They would do whatever I told them to do."

"But Adam," I argued, "I know you. And you wouldn't do that."

"But I could," he insisted. "The point is, I could. And none of them would have any say in it. Just by being around them, I make them want what I want, think the way I think. That's not free will, and it's not fair. And I can't stay where I can get to Pepper that way."

"Did you consider that by taking from her the option to choose to be with you, you're stunting her free will?" Noble martyrdom was all well and good, but when it was all said and done, Adam was a selfish brat sometimes. From the way he looked at me, I could see clearly that he had not considered this, not remotely to my surprise. "You've always been the biggest influence in her life, Adam, and in the lives of all your friends. Running away from them now isn't going to change that. If I know Pepper at all, all you'll manage to do is cement yourself as the first man to break her heart and thus prove every theory she's ever posited on the evils of men, generally."

He had to smile a little at that, but it was the kind of smile I could tell meant I hadn't changed his mind on anything. I sighed, feeling myself grow heavy with the realization that I'd come to talk sense to a creature who by his very nature was nonsensical. Nothing in my experienced had ever changed Adam's mind except Adam himself, and I don't know why I'd thought that I would be the exception this time. It suddenly hit me that this situation was pretty ridiculous: the little homemaking witch from Oxfordshire come to convince the Antichrist not to break up with his girlfriend. Somewhere, someone was laughing at the irony.

Something - something - told me, though, that this would eventually mean much, much more than that. I might not even be alive to see it, but then for most of my life I, like all of my forebears since the Dark Ages, had set my priorities around things I wouldn't be alive to see.

"You could...you should tell her, Adam," I said softly, a final attempt. I couldn't exactly change his mind but I might be able to appeal to his sense of fairness, remarkably well-developed, considering. "Tell her, and Brian and Wensleydale if you think they should know. That's the right thing to do."

"I made you all forget for a reason," he said firmly, something in his voice now that wasn't very Adam-like at all. "That's just the thing, Anathema: when it comes to this, there really is no right thing to do. Only things that are more or less damaging to people. That was the way I minimized the damage for them. Telling them now wouldn't solve anything. Pepper would only be more determined to stay with me. I can't do that to her."

"How can you take that away from her? She depends on you. They all do, and they always have."

Looking perturbed, he amended, "I won't do that to her, let's put it that way. She'll be alright on her own. Everyone's been doin' alright so far," he added in an undertone, almost more to himself than to me.

I thought that point debatable, but it deserved a better debater by far than me. So I said nothing.

"What will you do?" I asked Adam, when I got up to leave and he merely sat there in the shadows next to the dark, fogging window.

He gave me his first real smile of the night, teeth very white in his lightly sunburnt face. I suddenly felt this pulling behind my heart, the immediate and intense desire to love this boy in whatever way he required, be whoever he needed, do anything he wanted. I've never felt such an intense and all-consuming devotion to a person in my entire life, before or since. And then the feeling was gone and Adam's smile was considerably sadder, and I knew he'd done it on purpose.

"Think I'll keep on with the dog-walking job," he said lightly, rubbing at a burn-mark in the table which disappeared under his fingertip as I watched. "It's a bit easier on the conscience for a bunch of dogs to be eager to obey my every whim than for a bunch of people to be."

I nodded. There wasn't anything else to say.

***

Sometimes at night, just before I fall asleep and could rightfully think of it as dreaming, I'll see an image in my head. It's a pub, always a pub, usually on a rainy, grey afternoon, at a little, shadowy, out-of-the-way table next to a window. A young and vaguely lost-looking Antichrist hunches over the table, chin in hand as he stares out the window. It's never the same room twice, and the view out the window is ever-changing. Sometimes I almost think I recognize the places - that coffee shop will look familiar, or the glimpse of a graffitied statue in a town square. Other times, he could very well be in Peru and I wouldn't know it. I can see he's unhappy; Adam's never really been the kind of person you can read from just a facial expression, but he's not the most guarded when he really feels something strongly. There are tells, in the lines of his shoulders and the restlessness of his hands, and I've seen their twins in Pepper's frowns and the way she sometimes bites her lip and stares off into space.

Occasionally when I see him, he's writing letters, bent over a somewhat crumpled piece of paper with an already-stamped envelope lying to one side, his cheap biro scratching away at words I can't see. Pepper never answers him, she's told me as much, but there's something fitting in him continuing to write them. He must know, somehow, as I do, that she does read them, no matter how many times she's sworn to burning them on sight. Is as in-character for her to read and commit them to heart as it is for her to deny it, and no one begrudges her the lie.

It is exactly as I said it would be. If anything, Adam is a more constant, looming impression in Pepper's mind and the mind of everyone who knew him now that he is so conspicuously absent. I know he must know this, too, and I wonder how he can think this is the least damaging of all prospects. But then, I don't have his perspective, which I must grudgingly admit is certainly broader than even mine. I hope all of this is not just the overemotional overreaction of a young adult wandering around in search of his own identity, although I suppose if any young adult ever was in jeopardy of an identity crisis it would be that boy.

And he'd said that we were all doing alright. I have to think that if anyone knew how to make that call, it would be him. I just wish that he might've come out of this a bit more alright.


~end~



Happy Holidays, aviss, from your Secret Writer!

Comments

[sirius-luva.livejournal.com]

I liked this! In fact, it fits my own view of Adam. I've always felt bad that if he and Pepper or anyone did fall in love, he'd never know if they loved him of their own free will or if they loved him because he loved them and he wanted them to love him. I often wondered how he'd deal with it, but I never thought he'd run away.

*wibble* Beautiful.

[secret-kracken.livejournal.com]

I'm not really sure he would run away, but it sort of made sense for a young, confused Antichrist to have at least a short period of his life where he ran away. Don't we all wish we could, at some point? And believe it or not, I'd never really thought about how adult!Adam would affect the people closest to him until I started writing this, and then it just seemed like it was right in front of me!

Thank you so awfully much for reading! <3

[sirius-luva.livejournal.com]

Yes, it does, and I think you did a wonderful, wonderful job. Thank you so much for writing this. ;)

When I think of adult!Adam I usually thought about him being worried that people only like him - or more - because he wanted them to, as I said, but I didn't think of him running away. But you're right, it does make sense.

[aviss.livejournal.com]

Oh my, this was so beautiful and sad. I loved it! Thank you Secret Author! Your writing and the fact that it's told from Anathema's POV, and Adam's stubborness... everything is perfect. and I especially loved that you didn't give it a happy ending, it fits with Adam's character to refuse to go back, but still keep writing. Everything is lovely! Thank so much for this!

[secret-kracken.livejournal.com]

*hug!* I'm SO thrilled you enjoyed it! I was very worried about writing something perhaps too angsty. ^__^;; I sort of hated that I was giving it a sad ending, because when it comes right down to it, Adam is one of my favorite characters and I sort of want him to always come out ahead. But at the same time, I also love the idea of him being so powerful he's actually dangerous. And Anathema was just a happy accident; originally the story was from Adam's POV and it was terrible. XD

Merry Christmas, dear. It was an honor to get to write your prompt!

[aviss.livejournal.com]

I had to read it again because I couldn't help myself and finally had a bit of time in my hands, and I have to admit I love it even more than the first time. This is so many kinds of lovely, and hits so many of my buttons. I'll make sure to come back to it when your name is revealed, Secret Author, and properly thank you!

[edna-blackadder.livejournal.com]

Oh, poor Adam! And poor Pepper, too. This was very well-done. I liked your Anathema very much -- she doesn't get nearly enough love, and your characterization was excellent.

[secret-kracken.livejournal.com]

Thank you so, so much! Anathema was not originally the narrator, but after about five hundred words of Adam narrating (badly), suddenly she just appeared! I loved writing from her POV, I've never written her before, and I agree: she doesn't get enough love.

[random-nexus.livejournal.com]

Wow. This was well done. I can totally get behind not only Adam's self-awareness, but that he's still YOUNG and it's perhaps a little skewed by his youth, in spite of his 'powers'. That came across, as well as Anathema's cautious dabbling and sincere caring. I like how you've portrayed them, even Pepper at a remove, still. I would love to see another bit, further down the line, that could be something of a happier ending, but I'm just a fluff-aholic like that. ;D

Well done, you.

[secret-kracken.livejournal.com]

*blush* Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed. I loved getting to sort of play with Adam's human-boy-ness with this story; it seemed like if I, as a young person just starting out, had wanted occasionally to just run away from my problems and responsibilities, how much more would a young Antichrist? ;) And writing Anathema was really a joy, and something I'll have to try again soon.

And in my head, this doesn't necessarily have a tragic ending; I'm not sure Adam can actually exist without the other three Them, and eventually maybe he'll realize that. <3

[lurkerfromoz.livejournal.com]

Oh, how sad! I must admit that I always thought that Adam would never allow himself or the Them to grow up - they'd stay young and having adventures forever. Having read this, I think my version is happier, but yours has a ring of truth about it. This displays Adam's humanity to perfection, but now I want to love this boy in whatever way he required, be whoever he needed, do anything he wanted. Lovely.

[secret-kracken.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! Part of me totally agrees that Adam will "always be a little boy and have fun," and that is most likely what the authors intended, but this idea just grabbed a hold of me and it was really fun to get to poke around in it. I love stories that most showcase Adam's humanity (the book did, after all), and I was really excited to get to explore it some myself.

[lirren.livejournal.com]

I love this story so much. Adam just breaks my heart here, but you honestly wonder how it could ever be otherwise. Also, I adore it being from Anathema's POV. The whole story is melancholy, but fits perfectly in line with how I see things playing out for Adam and Pepper in the future.

[secret-kracken.livejournal.com]

*snuggles you* This wouldn't have got written without you, dear. Thank you so much for the help and encouragement. I'm so, so happy you liked it. <3

[sticktothestory.livejournal.com]

Poor Adam! It's great to see some exploration of the effect his powers must have on him.

[secret-kracken.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I kind of hated doing all this to him, but it made so much sense I had to at least give it a go. :)

[kindigo.livejournal.com]

Oh, so sad and bittersweet. Adam deserves such happiness. Where's the justice?

On the other hand, it's somehow appropriate that the Son of the Adversary is a natural martyr, too.

[tsuru-san.livejournal.com]

*sniffle* That is so sad! But also a brutally realistic possibility of how Adam's future could turn out.

[irisbleufic.livejournal.com]

Oh, yikes, how did it I miss this?! It's gorgeous. I've never seen anybody write Anathema in first person before, but you've done it very well :)